New mothers and expectant mothers: Advice and encouragement

Here is some "real-mom" advice from women who have been there:

"It is so hard since you are transitioning into a mother not to lose yourself. Be sure to somehow find time for you and for your husband. And, don't feel like since you are the mother you have to do everything yourself, either.

Try not to compare your child to others. That is SO hard to do when other moms start saying "My child has been walking now for months and yours is still crawling." Don't panic. It will all come with time."

- Lori, mother of 1


"Do not hide your true feelings. I had severe depression after having my daughter. I thought it was my hormones, lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed, and adjusting to my new life. I know that was all part of it, but after 2 months I knew I needed some help. It is amazing how medicine can help so much."

- Michele, mother of 1


“If you’re nursing, buy nipple cream!!!!

If you’re nursing and working, don’t use a one-sided manual pump, it’s not effective.

If you’re nursing and working, pump at the same time or at the same intervals or you’ll dry up.
If you’re nursing and working, get your baby used to using a bottle intermittently at least a week before you return. Your babysitter will appreciate it."

- Stephanie, mother of 2


Originally posted on New Mom Central.

[new mother]
[new mothers]
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[nipple cream]

NEW MOM CENTRAL GOES LIVE WITH CHRISTINE LOUISE HOHLBAUM!!!

On Friday, April 25, New Mom Central interviewed Christine Louise Hohlbaum, author of Diary of a Mother and SAHM I Am: Tales of a Stay-at-home Mom in Europe, on Blog Talk Radio. The topic of the show was "Making the Transition to Motherhood." Christine has two children, lives with her family in Europe, and has a lot to say about becoming a mother and motherhood and shared her own story about what it was like for her to become a mother for the very first time. To find out more about Christine, visit her blog, Diary of a Mother.

Here is the link to the interview: New Mom Central and Christine Louise Hohlbaum.


[Christine Louise Hohlbaum]
[Diary of a Mother]
[Tales of a SAHM]
[the transition to motherhood]
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[children]
[Blog Talk Radio]

First-time mothers: Going it alone

One of the most difficult parts about the first three months postpartum as a new mom can be taking care of your newborn by yourself. Many fathers take time off work to spend with their wives and new babies, but once they return to work a first-time mother who has not developed a support system of other mothers, or whose family and friends are not there to help her or visit with her, can begin to feel very lonely. Without help or visitors you can find yourself on your own caring for your newborn throughout the day, every day, without the breaks you need to recoup and rest. In addition, if you have no prior experience or proper mentoring or instruction on caring for your newborn, you will find yourself in the unique bind of having to figure out how to care for your infant.

Many new mothers learn as much as they can about newborn care by reading books, asking a lot of questions, and perusing the Internet. These are all wonderful ways to learn about newborns. You can also seek answers to your questions from your pediatrician and other mothers, talk to mothers at the local kiddie park, join new mom chat rooms, etc. There are many ways to find the information you need for just about every question you may have about caring for your newborn. The key is to take what you learn, try it out, and then decide for yourself whether it is right for you and your baby or not.

If you experience loneliness during your first three months as a new mother, there are things that you can do to feel less lonely. Some women are okay with the isolation they experience and even say that it is nice to have the time to just focus on the baby or that they are homebodies, anyway, so it doesn't bother them to be alone at home all day. Other women, however, are more social oriented and do not tolerate isolation very well and can become lonely. Depending on how isolated you are and how you feel about it, it can become very important to do something about it because your feelings of loneliness can influence your experience of postpartum depression.

It is important to plan ahead for the possibility of feelings of isolation and loneliness. If you know that you are the type of person who needs social stimulation and to get out of the house on a regular basis, make sure you have a plan for doing just that. One mother I interviewed said that she joined a mom's club when she was still pregnant and began to join the other moms for walks and playdates with their children before she even gave birth. She said that this "saved her life" because she needs the stimulation of other adults and does not like to be indoors all the time. Other women make sure they get together with their friends after they give birth (as soon as the pediatrician has given the okay for the baby to be outside and around other people) or they make it part of their daily or weekly schedule to take their baby for walks to the nearest park or coffee shop. I used to take my twins to the local Starbucks and neighborhood parks where I found the interactions with other mothers to be a welcome relief from my own sense of isolation, or sometimes if I was going to go stir crazy on any given day (I'm one who needs to go out of the house at least once a day or I will go stir-crazy) I would just go for a walk around the block. Not easy to do with two newborns, but it did a world of good for my mental well-being.

It is a good idea to think ahead to after you give birth and try to set a plan or structure in place to meet your social needs. That way you won't feel abandoned by others or "imprisoned" by the four walls of your home, which you will get to know REALLY well during those first few months!


Original post on New Mom Central.

[first-time mother]
[new mother]
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Expectant Mothers and First-time Moms-- Some "Real" Advice from "Real Live" Moms

Here is some advice from some "real live" moms on making the transition to motherhood:

"Forget the pressure of breastfeeding. Do what works for you and your baby."
Bernadette, mother of 2

"Ask guests to bring something in (like a meal) or take something out (like the garbage) when they visit during the early months after birth."
Melanie Bowden, mother of 2, postpartum doula, author of Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me? and Spit Up On My Shoulder

"There's no such thing as perfect. Lower your standards, and you'll be amazed at how happy you can be with less."
Christine Louise Hohlbaum, mother of 2, Editor of "Powerful Families, Powerful Lives" newsletter; Author of Diary of a Mother, SAHM I Am: Tales of a Stay-at-Home Mom in Europe, and Mama’s Musings

"Things will get better after a while."
Stephanie, mother of 3

"Put yourself first. Carve out time for yourself. If you're not happy or taken care of it's more stressful. Also, if you're breastfeeding, take your husband with you to the class."
Pam, mother of 2



Original post on New Mom Central.

Expectant Mothers and First-Time Mothers: The Loss of Your Personal Life Rhythm

A woman completely gives up her personal life rhythm once her baby is born. Just as she sacrifices her own needs in order to meet her baby's needs, so she gives up her own personal lifestyle to fit the needs of her new baby. This can be a very difficult adjustment to make. Her whole world can feel like it has been turned upside down as she adjusts her life to fit her new baby's needs. Eventually she will begin to get some of her own life rhythm back, but during her "training period" (i.e. the first three months postpartum) it can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under her as she struggles to gain a foothold on her new life.

Before having my own babies I lived a relatively unfettered life. Although I had my own personal routine, I could deviate from it whenever I wanted to without repercussions. But having babies changed all that because a baby's routine is pretty much the same from one day to the next. They are usually predictable in their eating and sleeping patterns. For instance, most newborns need to eat and sleep every 1-3 hours. When you aren't used to this, it takes time to get used to living your life so predictably and according to someone else's schedule.

A person's life rhythm is an integral part of who she is. Every adult has one. There are few occasions where someone's personal life rhythm is suddenly eliminated, short of prison or a major debilitating accident. Even then, the person alters his life rhythm to adjust to the situation, but does not completely give it up. His life is still about him. Even a new mother's partner continues with her or his personal routine of getting up, taking a shower, and going to work. Once he comes home from work his schedule may be different from the way it was before, but overall his routine is relatively similar to how it was prior to parenthood. This can cause the new mom to feel jealous and even resentful of her partner, as she struggles to retain some sense of her own personal rhythm while still trying to provide her baby with everything he needs.

During the first three months postpartum you can expect your life to be turned upside down (unless you have a nighttime or daytime nanny, housekeeper, and/or go back to work). But this is a temporary phase. Eventually, although you will not get your "old" life rhythm back, you will be able to get back some of your old routine and do the things you used to enjoy. You will always have a schedule that revolves around your baby (and then child as she grows), but you will be able to develop a schedule that fits your needs, as well.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[expectant mom]
[expectant mother]
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[woman]
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What first-time mothers need to know about newborns

Prior to becoming a mother, I had assumed that newborns "arrived" fully developed and that all they really needed was a lot of love and basic care. When I was pregnant I fantasized about breastfeeding in my rocking chair with my babies gazing up at me and me looking down at them adoringly with my hair cascading around their little cherub faces--the perfect mother-infant symbiotic relationship. If they cried (which would be rarely because they would just know how much I loved them) I pictured myself soothing them with hugs and kisses and singing to them until they calmed down. Unfortunately, this was not to be the case, much to my surprise. Instead, I watched as they struggled with gas pains, painful bowel movements, an immature nervous system, an undeveloped biological clock, acid reflux, colic, and the inability to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. I quickly learned how difficult it can sometimes be to care for a newborn baby.

Why is caring for a newborn baby so difficult sometimes? Dr. Harvey Karp, in his book The Happiest Baby on the Block, calls the first three months of a baby's life the "4th trimester" because he believes that a baby is not yet ready to come out of the womb. His theory is that all newborn babies could use another trimester in the womb but that their heads would be too big for the birth canal if they waited, so they arrive three months early. In addition, a newborn's physiological system is not yet fully mature when she is born. Consequently, she can experience discomfort and even pain, which can lead to periods of inconsolable crying, causing even more stress for the new mother. So here we have a baby who is not yet ready to be out of the womb and a new mother who has never taken care of a newborn before. One can understand how this can easily become a scenario ripe with the potential for overwhelming stress as both mother and baby adapt to their new environments.

If a first-time mother receives the help she needs, and has someone who can show her how to help her baby through any difficulties that might come up, she will better understand what her newborn might be going through. Many new mothers do not understand the problems that some newborns have and can suffer emotionally if their baby is crying inconsolably and nothing they do seems to help. This increases their stress and can affect their confidence in their ability to be a good mother, which can exacerbate any postpartum depression they may be having.

If you are an expectant mother, or a new mother, it is important to learn as much as you can about newborns. The more you understand the less you will panic when your baby is in distress. Some babies have an easier time of it than others, so if your baby is having a difficult time you need to understand that it is unlikely it is anything that you are doing. Most new mothers I have met are very conscientious and try to learn everything they can about taking care of newborns so that their baby can get her needs met and be a happy baby. But it is easy to fall into the trap of "mother guilt" in our Western culture and think that if your baby is unhappy it is your fault. Don't do this to yourself. Know that you are doing the best you can and learn as much as you can via the Internet, books, pediatricians and other experts, and other mothers. Your newborn will be fine and so will you once the 3 months have passed. And always check with your pediatrician if your baby consistently cries inconsolably to rule out any health problems.

As an adjunct to this topic, here's an informative blog post for how to discern your baby's distinctive cries.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[Harvey Karp]
[4th trimester]
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First-time mothers and expectant mothers - Developing Your Mother Identity

What does it mean to be a mother? There is a tendency to think that once you give birth you are a mother. But since becoming a mother myself, I have learned that becoming a mother is a process, not an event. It takes experience, hard work, love, joy, and plenty of mistakes. But even more importantly, it involves an inner transformation--a shift in a woman's sense of who she is now that she is a "mother."

Every woman has within her the seed of her own mother identity that was created through her personal life experiences. Her idea of motherhood develops from her experiences with her own mother and other mothering figures in her life, as well as the images of the good and bad mother in her culture. All of these experiences lead her to her initial ideas of what it means to be a mother. Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls this aspect of a woman's identity her "internal mother."

I also believe every woman has within her an "inner mother" that reflects her own maternal ideas and instincts. It is your inner mother that contains your mother's intuition, compels you to respond to your children's needs in your own unique way, and helps you create a maternal bond with your child. Unfortunately, this inner mother is often underdeveloped in favor of the idealistic (though unrealistic) images of the "supermom" and "glamourmom" put forth by Western society. For a woman to fully develop her inner mother she must learn when to turn away from these societal images, family expectations, and the well-meaning advice of others, and listen to her own maternal wisdom via her mother's intuition. The more she does so, the stronger her inner mother will become and the more she will be able to develop her own unique style of mothering. One wonders sometimes if the problems of mothers such as Britney Spears involves a disconnection with their inner mothers as the result of being unable to turn away from others' expectations of them now that they are mothers.

However, we do not want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater," as it were, and ignore the advice and suggestions of others. It is important to draw on the wisdom and experience of other mothers, as well as the expertise of pediatric experts, especially if you have no maternal mentor of your own. The idea is to take the information and advice you receive and then check in with your mother's intuition and make your own decision based on what feels right for you and your baby. In this way, you allow your own maternal wisdom to develop.

Maternal wisdom is self-made, it cannot be taught. Through the time-honored practice of trial and error you will learn to trust your own instincts and judgments. By listening to advice from others, as well as tuning in to your own inner voice, you can become the mother you want to be.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[identity]
[motherhood]
[women]
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First-time Mothers and The Stages of Transition to Motherhood

Becoming a mother does not happen in one event--birth. It is a process that begins at conception and ends months after the birth. Understanding this process can help prepare an expectant mom for what lies ahead. I have heard many new moms say that they wish someone had told them the truth about what to expect when becoming a first-time mom. Unfortunately, it is often hard to find the truth behind the fairy tale images that are presented to women about the process of becoming a new mother. It is incomprehensible to me that over the space of 9 months of pregnancy (give or take) not a word is spoken to the expectant mother about the reality of what she can expect once she crosses over the threshold to motherhood. There are many advocates (including mothers!) to the "secrecy" around the reality of becoming a mother. The fear seems to be that to tell an expectant mom the truth will only "scare" her. As a result, many women are surprised, and sometimes shocked, by the reality of caring for a newborn and the responsibilities of motherhood.

I do not subscribe to this secrecy "conspiracy." There are many things wrong with hiding the truth from expectant moms and painting a rosy picture of the experiences they can expect upon becoming a mom for the first time. First, we infantilize them by presuming that we must "protect" them from the truth, as if they are not capable of handling the truth. Expectant moms are not little children who need to be protected from the realities of life. They are women who deserve to know what to expect as they make one of the biggest transitions in their lives. Second, we deprive them of the right and the ability to plan for what's coming so that they are better prepared. Third, we take upon ourselves the roles of parents, thereby patronizing expectant mothers by usurping their rights to knowledge, understanding, and validation of their experiences (something men have been doing to women since patriarchy began). And fourth, knowing what is to come gives us a reference point from which to understand our experiences and make sense of them. To a new mother who is expecting a fairy tale version of her advent into motherhood, the shock of discovering just how hard it can be sometimes can make her feel like there is something wrong with her because her experience does not match the fairy tale version that she expected. Rather, by arming a woman with the information she needs to know about what to expect as she makes her foray into motherhood, and letting her know that every woman's experience is different and that her experience is her own and should not be compared with other women's, we make her stronger, wiser, and more confident.

The transition to motherhood occurs in three stages: pregnancy, birth, and the first three months postpartum. When a woman is pregnant she is in the first stage, what I call the “engagement” stage. Everyone knows that she is going to be a mother and she is excited and looks forward to the big event. Then she gives birth and enters the second stage, or the “honeymoon” stage. The baby has arrived and everyone shares in the joyous occasion. Friends and family come to see the new addition to the family and the new mother basks in the celebration of her new baby. It is not until the excitement has died down and she finds herself alone with her newborn that reality suddenly dawns on her—I am a mother!
The third stage occurs after the birth and lasts for approximately three months (adjusted for babies born prematurely). I call this the “training” stage. It is an initiation period during which a transformation takes place in a woman’s psyche as she develops the skills and confidence she needs to become a mother. This is also the most difficult stage when she must push herself beyond her usual limits of endurance, strength, and emotional capacity in order to meet the new demands of motherhood. There are two phases to the training stage. Phase I occurs after the initial post-birth period when a woman is still adjusting to the idea of being a mother. Phase II occurs when the hard work of becoming a mother begins and her transformation from an independent woman to a mother crystallizes. (You can read more about Phases I and II in the author's paper: The Stages of Transition to Motherhood.)

There is no doubt that babies, and becoming a mother, are one of the greatest joys in a woman's life. But to ignore the very real aspects of this experience is to bury your head in the sand. And to deny the knowledge of what to expect is to betray expectant mothers who are looking to us more experienced mothers to prepare them for this journey of a lifetime. My goal is to inform, educate, and help prepare expectant and first-time mothers so that they can have the confidence they need to become the mothers they are meant to be.


Original post on New Mom Central.

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First-Time Mothers and the First Three Months Postpartum

Your life circumstances at the time you give birth can have a big impact on your experience during your first three months as a new mom. There are many factors that influence a new mother’s experience during her first three months postpartum. Here are just some examples:

• How much support you have
• Your financial situation
• Your age
• If you have multiple newborns to care for
• If you have a caring and involved partner
• Whether or not there are breastfeeding or other newborn problems
• Current and/or prior mental health issues
• Hormones
• How you feel about yourself and about becoming a mother
• The temperament of your newborn
• The prematurity of your newborn
• Complications from the birth or a ceasarean birth

There is no "one shoe fits all" experience. Many women expect a fairy-tale experience after they give birth and, granted, some women do have this experience. But others have a more difficult time of it and this is okay. There is a lot of pressure for all women to have the same experience and this is not only unfair, it is unrealistic. It is important that you accept your unique experience in becoming a mother. The fact is that this is a new experience for you. Let it unfold the way it is meant to for you. If you need someone to talk to, find someone. And whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Time passes and emotions are transient--they will pass, too.* Your newborn will continue to grow and as she does you will develop your mother skills and become more confident.

The first three months after you give birth may be one of the most difficult aspects of your transition to motherhood because, let's face it, you have never been a mother before and have a lot to learn. But it is also a unique period of time for enjoying the miracle of your new baby and building that all-important maternal bond with her or him.

* If you have depressive feelings that never seem to let up, please talk to a professional right away.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[first-time mothers]
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[first baby]
[newborn]
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[new mother]

First-time Mothers: Create a "New Mother Preemptive Postpartum Plan for Support"

If you are an expectant mother, it is important that you prepare for your first three months postpartum. Do not assume that you will have all the help you need once you have your baby. People can be full of good intentions and still fall short of providing you the assistance you need once your baby arrives. They may simply forget, they may assume that you have all the help you need, or they may simply not want to intrude or interfere. Whatever the reason, if you do not have enough help as a first time mother it is up to you to be your own advocate and ask for help.

Creating a Preemptive Postpartum Plan will help you set up a support system of people to take care of most of the chores and tasks that will need to be done during your training period so you can focus your full attention on your baby. Create a list of chores that will need to be done on a regular basis for the first three months postpartum and a list of support people who will agree to do those chores. The more people you have to take care of those chores, the less you will have to do yourself and the more you can focus on being a new mom and caring for your baby. Ideally, you will want to have this plan in place before you give birth. Creating a plan before you give birth allows you to put everything in place so that you do not have to worry about anything except caring for and enjoying your new baby. If you are unable to create your plan until after the birth, then by all means do so (better late than never).

Original post on New Mom Central.

[postpartum]
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First-time Mothers: Accept Your Postpartum Emotions

Many first time moms in the U.S. are under the misguided belief that they must enjoy absolutely every moment of new motherhood and have a blissful symbiotic relationship with their babies all the time. If they don't then the presumption is that there is something wrong with them as women. This belief stems from the cultural propaganda that all women should feel happy and fulfilled in their roles as mothers. This is not only unrealistic it is unfair. The truth is that you will experience a range of emotions as you go through this major life change. To deny this, or to pretend otherwise, will only increase your stress during this three month period.

Your emotions will fluctuate during your first three months postpartum (and maybe longer) for a variety of reasons. First, your hormones are adjusting from the pregnancy and birth. Second, you are going through a major life transition and all major life transitions evoke a wide range of emotions in those who are going through them. Third, your life rhythm has changed and you are still getting your bearings. And fourth, taking care of a newborn is not always easy and you have a lot to learn.

Other new mothers also experience conflicting emotions , but may try to hide them in an attempt to live up to the ideal image of motherhood. But the truth is that it is just as normal to experience anger, frustration, resentment, and sadness during this time as it is to feel joy, love, wonderment, and gratitude. Sometimes you may revel in the joy of being a new mom, while other times you may wonder what you have gotten yourself into. Accepting the depth and range of your emotions during this time will help you to "surf the wave" of this life-altering transition with greater ease and more joy, and allow you to develop your own unique identity as a mother.

Some women are afraid that if they experience any negative feelings about either their roles as mothers or the behavior of their babies (e.g. inconsolable crying) it means either that they do not like being a mother or that they do not love their babies. Neither one of these is true. It is normal to feel resentful or angry, for example, when your baby has been crying (or screaming) inconsolably for the second straight hour or you have to drag yourself out of bed in the middle of the night for yet another feeding. These feelings are simply a natural reaction to an overwhelming event, not a reflection of the love you feel for your baby. In fact, you can feel fulfilled in your new role as a mother and still experience some negative reactions to specific situations.

It is important not to judge your feelings during this time, but to talk about them with someone who can be understanding and compassionate. This will help you put them in perspective. If you do not have someone to talk to, then write them down. The dichotomy is that once you accept your so-called "negative" feelings, the loving and blissful feelings will return.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[postpartum]
[expectant mother]
[first-time mothers]
[baby]
[mother]
[feelings]
[roles]
[resentful]
[angry]
[motherhood]
[blissful]
[hormones]
[life transition]

First-time Mothers and Postpartum Depression Study

If you are currently experiencing postpartum depression, you might be interested in participating in this study. Don't be afraid to seek help if you feel depressed. You are not alone and seeking help is the best thing you can do.

Here's the link to the study:

Postpartum Depression Study

Here's a link to a blog written by a mother who shares her personal story with postpartum depression:

Mom's Personal Story