The "Real Deal" on Sleep Deprivation

When you become pregnant, one of the things you may hear most often from other parents, especially mothers, is "Enjoy your sleep while you can because you won't get much after the baby comes!" accompanied by giggles and smiles.  I heard this all the time when I was pregnant and I thought "Well, I'm not sure I can actually "enjoy" my sleep, but okay." I didn't really understand what everyone was talking about. It sounded more like an inside joke than anything I should worry about. Well, now I know. And I want to give you the "real deal" on what everyone is talking about when they say this.

Don't bother enjoying your sleep or getting more of it because there isn't anything you can do about future sleep that you might miss. You can't stockpile sleep. So, these veiled warnings about sleep are not very helpful. But here's what you can do:

- Plan for the fact that you will be extremely sleep deprived once your baby comes and for at least the first three months postpartum, possibly even 6 months or a year afterward, depending on your baby's sleep habits (or the lack thereof!).

- Be determined to get as much sleep as you can after the baby arrives. And I don't mean to nonchalantly ponder the idea--no, I mean be more determined about this than you've been about just about any other thing in your life. It really is no joking matter, and I'm not joking.

- Talk to you husband or partner and let him (or her) know that you intend to rely on him as the other parent to make sure you get the sleep you need, or at least as much as you can. Tell him that you will expect him to do father duty in the middle of the night, just as he does during the day. Most fathers (and partners) don't have to be told, they automatically do this. But if you know that your partner tends more toward the selfish, lazy, thoughtless, or inconsiderate side, prep him now. Do it nicely, but let it be known in no uncertain terms that you are not superwoman and you have no intention of being supermom. Tell him that newborns eat every 2-3 hours (sometimes every hour) 24 hours a day and that you are only human and must get your sleep, along with everyone else. One of the problems with this topic is that many new mothers feel guilty asking their partner to contribute to the middle-of-the-night feedings because "he has to go to work in the morning." That's very thoughtful and considerate of you. But, the truth is that so do you. And the difference is that, depending on the kind of job he (or she) has, you will be constantly on your feet and responding to the needs of your newborn with little or no breaks, while he will have the opportunity to sit down once in a while without having to jump up and care for a crying baby.

- Make a strategic plan for help and support. This means being proactive now, while you're still pregnant, to anticipate what kinds of tasks/responsibilities friends and family will be able to help you with after the birth and solicit their help--formally. Make them commit to helping you during the first three months. If they love you and care about you (and your baby) they will gladly commit. (See my post on creating a Preemptive Postpartum Plan for Support.) Then, and this is very important so listen up, take naps when they are over helping you. The most common thing I hear from mothers is how much they underestimated their need for sleep and didn't take advantage of opportunities to nap when they had the time.

- Plan to nap when your baby naps. Yes, the dishes may be dirty and the floor may need to be swept. Ignore this. One of THE most important things you will need postpartum is sleep. And it will be up to you to make sure you get it. No one else can make you sleep (or your baby, as you will soon find out :).

- If you can afford it, hire a night nurse or nanny. Not to take over at night or during the day, but to give you breaks because the #1 need you will have is someone to give you a break from caring for your darling son or daughter.

Now, here's what you need to know about sleep deprivation that you may not know, so that you don't underestimate your need for sleep during the postpartum "high" you may be feeling after the birth:

1. You will underestimate your need for sleep. Count on it. Some people only need 6 hours of sleep per night. The way you can tell if you're one of those people is to determine how many hours of sleep you needed before you became pregnant. That's how much sleep you'll need after the birth to function at your best (possibly more since you'll be recovering from 9 months of pregnancy and then the physical act of giving birth).

2. When you feel irritable, depressed, nervous, confused, or inadequate as you tend to your newborn, some of these feelings and moods are due to the lack of sleep, rather than your ability to be a good mother or the circumstances you find yourself in, such as breastfeeding or sleeping problems with your newborn. When you're sleep deprived, things that normally wouldn't faze you may irritate you or send your self-confidence into a tailspin. Sleep affects our moods dramatically. You'll discover this when you experience the difference between missing out on a lot of sleep and getting a full night's sleep. Remember that sleep is used as a torture method. And it is effective because it is one of the most important needs a person has other than air, water, and food. You can feel like you're going crazy if you are too sleep deprived. And you can't "catch up" to missed sleep, according to experts. But the more sleep you get the better you will feel. 

3. Even cat naps can affect your mood for the better, so don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can't get more than 1/2 hour of sleep so why bother. Take what you can get during these early months.

4. You will not be able to keep up the same personal and domestic level of style or cleanliness that you did in your pre-mom days (unless you have a full-time nanny and housekeeper). This is a fact. Don't try to be a perfectionistic supermom or glamourmom. Leave that for the Hollywood moms who have the millions of dollars to hire nannies, trainers, hairdressers, gardeners, housekeepers, chefs, etc. Accept your limitations and accept that during these early months you simply may not be able to have perfectly coiffed hair or an immaculately clean and stylish house like you used to. I had to get used to this and it was very difficult. Leave your ego in the delivery room. You'll get back to your stylish self again in time. Right now just focus on yours and your babies needs. You really won't have any time for anything else.

So, I hope that I have been able to convince you of the importance of this issue and that you will prepare yourself so that a) you're not taken by surprise and, b) you get the sleep you need. You and your baby will be better off for it. 

First-time mothers: Going it alone

One of the most difficult parts about the first three months postpartum as a new mom can be taking care of your newborn by yourself. Many fathers take time off work to spend with their wives and new babies, but once they return to work a first-time mother who has not developed a support system of other mothers, or whose family and friends are not there to help her or visit with her, can begin to feel very lonely. Without help or visitors you can find yourself on your own caring for your newborn throughout the day, every day, without the breaks you need to recoup and rest. In addition, if you have no prior experience or proper mentoring or instruction on caring for your newborn, you will find yourself in the unique bind of having to figure out how to care for your infant.

Many new mothers learn as much as they can about newborn care by reading books, asking a lot of questions, and perusing the Internet. These are all wonderful ways to learn about newborns. You can also seek answers to your questions from your pediatrician and other mothers, talk to mothers at the local kiddie park, join new mom chat rooms, etc. There are many ways to find the information you need for just about every question you may have about caring for your newborn. The key is to take what you learn, try it out, and then decide for yourself whether it is right for you and your baby or not.

If you experience loneliness during your first three months as a new mother, there are things that you can do to feel less lonely. Some women are okay with the isolation they experience and even say that it is nice to have the time to just focus on the baby or that they are homebodies, anyway, so it doesn't bother them to be alone at home all day. Other women, however, are more social oriented and do not tolerate isolation very well and can become lonely. Depending on how isolated you are and how you feel about it, it can become very important to do something about it because your feelings of loneliness can influence your experience of postpartum depression.

It is important to plan ahead for the possibility of feelings of isolation and loneliness. If you know that you are the type of person who needs social stimulation and to get out of the house on a regular basis, make sure you have a plan for doing just that. One mother I interviewed said that she joined a mom's club when she was still pregnant and began to join the other moms for walks and playdates with their children before she even gave birth. She said that this "saved her life" because she needs the stimulation of other adults and does not like to be indoors all the time. Other women make sure they get together with their friends after they give birth (as soon as the pediatrician has given the okay for the baby to be outside and around other people) or they make it part of their daily or weekly schedule to take their baby for walks to the nearest park or coffee shop. I used to take my twins to the local Starbucks and neighborhood parks where I found the interactions with other mothers to be a welcome relief from my own sense of isolation, or sometimes if I was going to go stir crazy on any given day (I'm one who needs to go out of the house at least once a day or I will go stir-crazy) I would just go for a walk around the block. Not easy to do with two newborns, but it did a world of good for my mental well-being.

It is a good idea to think ahead to after you give birth and try to set a plan or structure in place to meet your social needs. That way you won't feel abandoned by others or "imprisoned" by the four walls of your home, which you will get to know REALLY well during those first few months!


Original post on New Mom Central.

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[new mother]
[expectant mother]
[loneliness]
[isolation]
[baby]
[infant]
[new mom]

Expectant mothers and first-time mothers: Prepare for Major Life Changes

Most first-time mothers are unprepared for the major life changes and hard work that accompany the advent into motherhood. It takes time to adapt to any major life transition and a woman's transition to motherhood is one of the most difficult and overwhelming life transitions she will experience. Unfortunately, Western society idealizes motherhood so much that many expectant mothers have fairy tale expectations of what it will be like to become a mother. In this sense, they approach impending motherhood more like Sleeping Beauties than informed mothers-to-be.

Some women read books about what to expect when they're pregnant and then move on to books about what to expect after their baby is born. Unfortunately, most books only cover the caretaking responsibilities of baby and the recovery of the new mother. They do not cover the many other aspects of new motherhood that affect a woman once she gives birth. As helpful as these books can be for learning about the physical aspects of a woman's pregnant and post-birth body, or the practical aspects of meeting the needs of a newborn, they cannot prepare you for the tumultuous postpartum period that you are about to experience. Consequently, far from feeling like a benevolent maternal figure after the birth of your baby, you may find yourself in a whirlwind of chaos and confusion as you struggle to care for your new baby, while also trying to adapt to the major life change you are going through. Even if you are excited about becoming a mother, you may long for the simplicity of your old life.

Your life will change dramatically once you bring your baby home. You will be immersed in the needs and the wonder of your baby, all of your time will be devoted to the duties of motherhood, and you may feel completely isolated as you tend to the almost hourly needs of your newborn. You will not be able to socialize like you used to, and you will most certainly not be able to do any hobbies that you used to do. You will not be able to "get up and go" like you were used to, or even watch TV or read when you want to. Your time and attention will be completely usurped by this new experience and by your little bundle. But this will only last for approximately three months and then, as your baby continues to grow you will become more experienced at motherhood, your baby won't need to be tended to quite as often as when she was a newborn, and she may even begin to sleep for longer periods of time (the operative word here is "may").

As you find yourself more confined to your home during those first three months, and as you put 100% of your attention and focus onto your baby, you may begin to feel like you don't exist any more or that you no longer matter. This is a normal reaction for many women. Again, it is a temporary phase. It is natural for you to have an undivided focus on your newborn because it helps you learn how to be a mother, meet your baby's needs, and bond with your baby. However, you will need to take some breaks, for your sake and for your baby's. Almost every mother I have met has said that in hindsight, although she didn't want to leave her baby for a second, she should have taken breaks now and then so that she could nap, get out of the house, and simply take care of herself.

Rare is the new mother who doesn't experience stress, confusion, anxiety, or even resentment when she becomes a mother for the first time. So, don't expect to "breeze through" your first three months (unless, of course, you are a star in Hollywood and can afford a full-time nanny, housekeeper, and cook!). Take it one day at a time, make sure you spend time caressing your baby, rocking her, singing to her, and talking to her, and try not to worry too much. Things will fall into place. It may not feel like they are going to while you're in this learning phase, but time will pass, you will breathe again, and your baby will get cuter and cuter. :)


Original post on New Mom Central.

[expectant mothers]
[first-time mothers]
[women]
[motherhood]
[postpartum]
[life transition]
[new mother]
[mother]
[newborn]
[baby]

What first-time mothers need to know about newborns

Prior to becoming a mother, I had assumed that newborns "arrived" fully developed and that all they really needed was a lot of love and basic care. When I was pregnant I fantasized about breastfeeding in my rocking chair with my babies gazing up at me and me looking down at them adoringly with my hair cascading around their little cherub faces--the perfect mother-infant symbiotic relationship. If they cried (which would be rarely because they would just know how much I loved them) I pictured myself soothing them with hugs and kisses and singing to them until they calmed down. Unfortunately, this was not to be the case, much to my surprise. Instead, I watched as they struggled with gas pains, painful bowel movements, an immature nervous system, an undeveloped biological clock, acid reflux, colic, and the inability to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. I quickly learned how difficult it can sometimes be to care for a newborn baby.

Why is caring for a newborn baby so difficult sometimes? Dr. Harvey Karp, in his book The Happiest Baby on the Block, calls the first three months of a baby's life the "4th trimester" because he believes that a baby is not yet ready to come out of the womb. His theory is that all newborn babies could use another trimester in the womb but that their heads would be too big for the birth canal if they waited, so they arrive three months early. In addition, a newborn's physiological system is not yet fully mature when she is born. Consequently, she can experience discomfort and even pain, which can lead to periods of inconsolable crying, causing even more stress for the new mother. So here we have a baby who is not yet ready to be out of the womb and a new mother who has never taken care of a newborn before. One can understand how this can easily become a scenario ripe with the potential for overwhelming stress as both mother and baby adapt to their new environments.

If a first-time mother receives the help she needs, and has someone who can show her how to help her baby through any difficulties that might come up, she will better understand what her newborn might be going through. Many new mothers do not understand the problems that some newborns have and can suffer emotionally if their baby is crying inconsolably and nothing they do seems to help. This increases their stress and can affect their confidence in their ability to be a good mother, which can exacerbate any postpartum depression they may be having.

If you are an expectant mother, or a new mother, it is important to learn as much as you can about newborns. The more you understand the less you will panic when your baby is in distress. Some babies have an easier time of it than others, so if your baby is having a difficult time you need to understand that it is unlikely it is anything that you are doing. Most new mothers I have met are very conscientious and try to learn everything they can about taking care of newborns so that their baby can get her needs met and be a happy baby. But it is easy to fall into the trap of "mother guilt" in our Western culture and think that if your baby is unhappy it is your fault. Don't do this to yourself. Know that you are doing the best you can and learn as much as you can via the Internet, books, pediatricians and other experts, and other mothers. Your newborn will be fine and so will you once the 3 months have passed. And always check with your pediatrician if your baby consistently cries inconsolably to rule out any health problems.

As an adjunct to this topic, here's an informative blog post for how to discern your baby's distinctive cries.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[Harvey Karp]
[4th trimester]
[babies]
[newborn]
[baby]
[new mother]
[first-time mother]
[motherhood]
[expectant mother]
[women]
[postpartum]

First-time mothers and expectant mothers - Developing Your Mother Identity

What does it mean to be a mother? There is a tendency to think that once you give birth you are a mother. But since becoming a mother myself, I have learned that becoming a mother is a process, not an event. It takes experience, hard work, love, joy, and plenty of mistakes. But even more importantly, it involves an inner transformation--a shift in a woman's sense of who she is now that she is a "mother."

Every woman has within her the seed of her own mother identity that was created through her personal life experiences. Her idea of motherhood develops from her experiences with her own mother and other mothering figures in her life, as well as the images of the good and bad mother in her culture. All of these experiences lead her to her initial ideas of what it means to be a mother. Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls this aspect of a woman's identity her "internal mother."

I also believe every woman has within her an "inner mother" that reflects her own maternal ideas and instincts. It is your inner mother that contains your mother's intuition, compels you to respond to your children's needs in your own unique way, and helps you create a maternal bond with your child. Unfortunately, this inner mother is often underdeveloped in favor of the idealistic (though unrealistic) images of the "supermom" and "glamourmom" put forth by Western society. For a woman to fully develop her inner mother she must learn when to turn away from these societal images, family expectations, and the well-meaning advice of others, and listen to her own maternal wisdom via her mother's intuition. The more she does so, the stronger her inner mother will become and the more she will be able to develop her own unique style of mothering. One wonders sometimes if the problems of mothers such as Britney Spears involves a disconnection with their inner mothers as the result of being unable to turn away from others' expectations of them now that they are mothers.

However, we do not want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater," as it were, and ignore the advice and suggestions of others. It is important to draw on the wisdom and experience of other mothers, as well as the expertise of pediatric experts, especially if you have no maternal mentor of your own. The idea is to take the information and advice you receive and then check in with your mother's intuition and make your own decision based on what feels right for you and your baby. In this way, you allow your own maternal wisdom to develop.

Maternal wisdom is self-made, it cannot be taught. Through the time-honored practice of trial and error you will learn to trust your own instincts and judgments. By listening to advice from others, as well as tuning in to your own inner voice, you can become the mother you want to be.


Original post on New Mom Central.

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[motherhood]
[women]
[mothers]
[Britney Spears]
[expectant mother]
[expectant mothers]
[postpartum]
[maternal]

First-Time Mothers: New Mom Culture Shock

Romantic myths abound of what it feels like to become a mother for the very first time. The first months following the birth of a woman’s first baby is perceived as an eternally blissful period—a maternal symbiosis in which a woman croons to her newborn while breastfeeding him each day and basks in the joy of being a new mother. As a result, women have come to expect a fairy tale experience of the transition to motherhood. But the truth is that entering into motherhood is like entering into another culture. Many women have no idea what to do when they come face-to-face with their newborn babies for the very first time and are surprised when they find out just how overwhelming and demanding becoming a mother can be. This is usually when culture shock sets in.

The definition of culture shock (www.wikipedia.org) is: “anxiety and feelings that occur when people have to operate within an entirely different cultural or social environment…[it] grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not.”

The symptoms of culture shock that are often experienced when someone takes up residence in a new country are surprisingly similar to the experience of many women when they become mothers for the very first time. For example, they must learn to communicate with, and develop a relationship with, someone who speaks a foreign language (crying) and who has habits and customs that are completely foreign. If a woman has help, i.e. an interpreter (maternal mentor) or emissary (pediatric professional) to this culture, she will learn the customs, habits, and language more quickly and experience less culture shock. However, if she is suddenly immersed into it without guidance she will experience more culture shock.

It is important that women are prepared for how dramatically their lives will change when they become a mother, especially if they choose to be SAHMs, so as to avoid the feeling of culture shock as much as possible. It is not possible to be fully prepared for all of the physical, mental, and emotional changes that accompany the transition into motherhood or the constantly changing needs of a newborn, but the more prepared they are the easier it will be for them. They should be forewarned, for example, that their lives will no longer be about them, that they will be operating in a different "time zone" and will be sleep deprived and exhausted all the time, that their hormones and emotions will fluctuate so dramatically that they will feel like they are on a perpetual roller coaster ride, that they will no longer feel like the same person they used to be (at least temporarily), that they will need to learn to function in a new “land” and adapt to the habits and customs of their newborn and to the mother culture, and that their bodies will not feel (or look) the same, as they recover from the birth process and take on the physical demands of motherhood. This is not meant to scare them but rather to give them a realistic idea of what to expect so that they can prepare for it ahead of time and “ride the wave” of this tumultuous period more easily, resulting in less culture shock.

(To read more, you can link to the author's full paper.)


Original post on New Mom Central.

[culture shock]
[new mother]
[new mom]
[first-time mothers]
[motherhood]
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[culture]
[shock]

First-time Mothers and The Stages of Transition to Motherhood

Becoming a mother does not happen in one event--birth. It is a process that begins at conception and ends months after the birth. Understanding this process can help prepare an expectant mom for what lies ahead. I have heard many new moms say that they wish someone had told them the truth about what to expect when becoming a first-time mom. Unfortunately, it is often hard to find the truth behind the fairy tale images that are presented to women about the process of becoming a new mother. It is incomprehensible to me that over the space of 9 months of pregnancy (give or take) not a word is spoken to the expectant mother about the reality of what she can expect once she crosses over the threshold to motherhood. There are many advocates (including mothers!) to the "secrecy" around the reality of becoming a mother. The fear seems to be that to tell an expectant mom the truth will only "scare" her. As a result, many women are surprised, and sometimes shocked, by the reality of caring for a newborn and the responsibilities of motherhood.

I do not subscribe to this secrecy "conspiracy." There are many things wrong with hiding the truth from expectant moms and painting a rosy picture of the experiences they can expect upon becoming a mom for the first time. First, we infantilize them by presuming that we must "protect" them from the truth, as if they are not capable of handling the truth. Expectant moms are not little children who need to be protected from the realities of life. They are women who deserve to know what to expect as they make one of the biggest transitions in their lives. Second, we deprive them of the right and the ability to plan for what's coming so that they are better prepared. Third, we take upon ourselves the roles of parents, thereby patronizing expectant mothers by usurping their rights to knowledge, understanding, and validation of their experiences (something men have been doing to women since patriarchy began). And fourth, knowing what is to come gives us a reference point from which to understand our experiences and make sense of them. To a new mother who is expecting a fairy tale version of her advent into motherhood, the shock of discovering just how hard it can be sometimes can make her feel like there is something wrong with her because her experience does not match the fairy tale version that she expected. Rather, by arming a woman with the information she needs to know about what to expect as she makes her foray into motherhood, and letting her know that every woman's experience is different and that her experience is her own and should not be compared with other women's, we make her stronger, wiser, and more confident.

The transition to motherhood occurs in three stages: pregnancy, birth, and the first three months postpartum. When a woman is pregnant she is in the first stage, what I call the “engagement” stage. Everyone knows that she is going to be a mother and she is excited and looks forward to the big event. Then she gives birth and enters the second stage, or the “honeymoon” stage. The baby has arrived and everyone shares in the joyous occasion. Friends and family come to see the new addition to the family and the new mother basks in the celebration of her new baby. It is not until the excitement has died down and she finds herself alone with her newborn that reality suddenly dawns on her—I am a mother!
The third stage occurs after the birth and lasts for approximately three months (adjusted for babies born prematurely). I call this the “training” stage. It is an initiation period during which a transformation takes place in a woman’s psyche as she develops the skills and confidence she needs to become a mother. This is also the most difficult stage when she must push herself beyond her usual limits of endurance, strength, and emotional capacity in order to meet the new demands of motherhood. There are two phases to the training stage. Phase I occurs after the initial post-birth period when a woman is still adjusting to the idea of being a mother. Phase II occurs when the hard work of becoming a mother begins and her transformation from an independent woman to a mother crystallizes. (You can read more about Phases I and II in the author's paper: The Stages of Transition to Motherhood.)

There is no doubt that babies, and becoming a mother, are one of the greatest joys in a woman's life. But to ignore the very real aspects of this experience is to bury your head in the sand. And to deny the knowledge of what to expect is to betray expectant mothers who are looking to us more experienced mothers to prepare them for this journey of a lifetime. My goal is to inform, educate, and help prepare expectant and first-time mothers so that they can have the confidence they need to become the mothers they are meant to be.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[stages]
[transition]
[first-time mothers]
[stages of transition]
[babies]
[motherhood]
[expectant mother]
[birth]
[mothers]

First-Time Mothers and the First Three Months Postpartum

Your life circumstances at the time you give birth can have a big impact on your experience during your first three months as a new mom. There are many factors that influence a new mother’s experience during her first three months postpartum. Here are just some examples:

• How much support you have
• Your financial situation
• Your age
• If you have multiple newborns to care for
• If you have a caring and involved partner
• Whether or not there are breastfeeding or other newborn problems
• Current and/or prior mental health issues
• Hormones
• How you feel about yourself and about becoming a mother
• The temperament of your newborn
• The prematurity of your newborn
• Complications from the birth or a ceasarean birth

There is no "one shoe fits all" experience. Many women expect a fairy-tale experience after they give birth and, granted, some women do have this experience. But others have a more difficult time of it and this is okay. There is a lot of pressure for all women to have the same experience and this is not only unfair, it is unrealistic. It is important that you accept your unique experience in becoming a mother. The fact is that this is a new experience for you. Let it unfold the way it is meant to for you. If you need someone to talk to, find someone. And whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Time passes and emotions are transient--they will pass, too.* Your newborn will continue to grow and as she does you will develop your mother skills and become more confident.

The first three months after you give birth may be one of the most difficult aspects of your transition to motherhood because, let's face it, you have never been a mother before and have a lot to learn. But it is also a unique period of time for enjoying the miracle of your new baby and building that all-important maternal bond with her or him.

* If you have depressive feelings that never seem to let up, please talk to a professional right away.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[first-time mothers]
[first-time mother]
[postpartum]
[first three months]
[birth]
[first baby]
[newborn]
[maternal bond]
[hormones]
[prematurity]
[new mom]
[new mother]

First-time Mothers: Create a "New Mother Preemptive Postpartum Plan for Support"

If you are an expectant mother, it is important that you prepare for your first three months postpartum. Do not assume that you will have all the help you need once you have your baby. People can be full of good intentions and still fall short of providing you the assistance you need once your baby arrives. They may simply forget, they may assume that you have all the help you need, or they may simply not want to intrude or interfere. Whatever the reason, if you do not have enough help as a first time mother it is up to you to be your own advocate and ask for help.

Creating a Preemptive Postpartum Plan will help you set up a support system of people to take care of most of the chores and tasks that will need to be done during your training period so you can focus your full attention on your baby. Create a list of chores that will need to be done on a regular basis for the first three months postpartum and a list of support people who will agree to do those chores. The more people you have to take care of those chores, the less you will have to do yourself and the more you can focus on being a new mom and caring for your baby. Ideally, you will want to have this plan in place before you give birth. Creating a plan before you give birth allows you to put everything in place so that you do not have to worry about anything except caring for and enjoying your new baby. If you are unable to create your plan until after the birth, then by all means do so (better late than never).

Original post on New Mom Central.

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[joy]
[birth]
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[baby]
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First-time Mothers: Accept Your Postpartum Emotions

Many first time moms in the U.S. are under the misguided belief that they must enjoy absolutely every moment of new motherhood and have a blissful symbiotic relationship with their babies all the time. If they don't then the presumption is that there is something wrong with them as women. This belief stems from the cultural propaganda that all women should feel happy and fulfilled in their roles as mothers. This is not only unrealistic it is unfair. The truth is that you will experience a range of emotions as you go through this major life change. To deny this, or to pretend otherwise, will only increase your stress during this three month period.

Your emotions will fluctuate during your first three months postpartum (and maybe longer) for a variety of reasons. First, your hormones are adjusting from the pregnancy and birth. Second, you are going through a major life transition and all major life transitions evoke a wide range of emotions in those who are going through them. Third, your life rhythm has changed and you are still getting your bearings. And fourth, taking care of a newborn is not always easy and you have a lot to learn.

Other new mothers also experience conflicting emotions , but may try to hide them in an attempt to live up to the ideal image of motherhood. But the truth is that it is just as normal to experience anger, frustration, resentment, and sadness during this time as it is to feel joy, love, wonderment, and gratitude. Sometimes you may revel in the joy of being a new mom, while other times you may wonder what you have gotten yourself into. Accepting the depth and range of your emotions during this time will help you to "surf the wave" of this life-altering transition with greater ease and more joy, and allow you to develop your own unique identity as a mother.

Some women are afraid that if they experience any negative feelings about either their roles as mothers or the behavior of their babies (e.g. inconsolable crying) it means either that they do not like being a mother or that they do not love their babies. Neither one of these is true. It is normal to feel resentful or angry, for example, when your baby has been crying (or screaming) inconsolably for the second straight hour or you have to drag yourself out of bed in the middle of the night for yet another feeding. These feelings are simply a natural reaction to an overwhelming event, not a reflection of the love you feel for your baby. In fact, you can feel fulfilled in your new role as a mother and still experience some negative reactions to specific situations.

It is important not to judge your feelings during this time, but to talk about them with someone who can be understanding and compassionate. This will help you put them in perspective. If you do not have someone to talk to, then write them down. The dichotomy is that once you accept your so-called "negative" feelings, the loving and blissful feelings will return.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[postpartum]
[expectant mother]
[first-time mothers]
[baby]
[mother]
[feelings]
[roles]
[resentful]
[angry]
[motherhood]
[blissful]
[hormones]
[life transition]

New Mothers and Sleep Deprivation

One of the most difficult needs for a new mom to get met is sleep. Most babies don't start sleeping through the night until after the first 3 months postpartum (some many months afterwards). During this time, a new mom is up either breastfeeding or bottle feeding her baby usually every 2-3 hours, 24 hours a day. So, what's a new mom to do? The first thing you need to do is set up your support system (that network of friends and family who are generous enough to give you some of their valuable time) so that you can take naps. Also, have your life partner/spouse take over one or more of the overnight feedings a couple of times a week so that you can get more than a couple hours of sleep at a time. Or, you can hire a night nurse or nanny. That would certainly simplify things.

Many new mothers believe that they can function well on just a few hours of sleep a night. According to an informal survey published in Parents.com, many new mothers reported feeling “generally well-rested…[on] less than six hours of sleep a night.” Part of this attitude reflects a feeling of “new-parent joy…[and] adrenaline,” according to Isadora Fox, but part of it also reflects the inability of these women to predict how sleepy they are.

As a first time mother you need your rest so that you can continue to have the energy to respond to your baby. Chronic sleep deprivation leads to lower energy, irritability, anxiety, and depression, as well as memory lapses, a reduced ability to concentrate, a shorter attention span, tiredness, a reduced ability to tolerate stress, and changes in appetite. Even if you do not feel tired, you may notice that you are easily frustrated, or more irritable, sleepy at certain times of the day, or forgetful. Pay attention to signs of sleep deprivation. If you find, for example, that you have just put the milk into the cupboard and the cereal box into the fridge, it is a clear sign that you are not getting enough sleep.

One mother's succinct description for how to know if you're sleep-deprived describes it best...





Original post on New Mom Central.

Baby Blues

Experiencing the "baby blues" is common after giving birth, especially after the first baby. According to the Center for Postpartum Adjustment 50-80% of women experience postpartum baby blues. While the common consensus among health professionals is that the baby blues is caused by hormones, I believe that the major life changes occurring in a woman's life after she gives birth, as well as the changes in her personal life rhythm, venturing into the "unknown" and not fully understanding newborns or how to be a mother, as well as sleep deprivation, a loss of the ability to tend to her own needs, and many other factors, all contribute to the "baby blues." The symptoms of the "baby blues" are very similar to the symptoms of culture shock. When someone travels to a foreign culture and has to interact with people she does not know and suddenly adhere to traditions, life rhythms, and a foreign language that are new to her, she experiences culture shock. When a woman delivers her first baby and makes her first foray into motherhood, she is dealing with many of the same issues (unless she has been a nanny or has experience dealing with a newborn).

If you are experiencing sadness, irritability, confusion, etc. here is a link to a website about the baby blues that may be helpful:

http://www.babybluesconnection.org/


Original post on New Mom Central.

Caring for Your Newborn Baby

Helpful Advice for New Moms: Caring for Your Newborn

Here is a great article on the value of swaddling your newborn to help soothe her. The theory behind swaddling is that it mimics the conditions of the womb, i.e. tight snug quarters. Then, if you rock or swing your baby it further mimics the experience of the womb since when you were pregnant you were usually moving around creating an active environment for your baby.

Here is a link to an article about swaddling your baby:

http://pregnancyandbaby.com/pregnancy/baby/Swaddling--Independence-versus-interdependence-3770.htm




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Also, here is a link to a thoughtful blog entry about the difficulties of caring for a newborn who is crying inconsolably:

http://birthsupport.wordpress.com/2007/10/19/crying-babies-and-shaken-baby-syndrome/


Original post at New Mom Central.