Becoming a mother does not happen in one event--birth. It is a process that begins at conception and ends months after the birth. Understanding this process can help prepare an expectant mom for what lies ahead. I have heard many new moms say that they wish someone had told them the truth about what to expect when becoming a first-time mom. Unfortunately, it is often hard to find the truth behind the fairy tale images that are presented to women about the process of becoming a new mother. It is incomprehensible to me that over the space of 9 months of pregnancy (give or take) not a word is spoken to the expectant mother about the reality of what she can expect once she crosses over the threshold to motherhood. There are many advocates (including mothers!) to the "secrecy" around the reality of becoming a mother. The fear seems to be that to tell an expectant mom the truth will only "scare" her. As a result, many women are surprised, and sometimes shocked, by the reality of caring for a newborn and the responsibilities of motherhood.
I do not subscribe to this secrecy "conspiracy." There are many things wrong with hiding the truth from expectant moms and painting a rosy picture of the experiences they can expect upon becoming a mom for the first time. First, we infantilize them by presuming that we must "protect" them from the truth, as if they are not capable of handling the truth. Expectant moms are not little children who need to be protected from the realities of life. They are women who deserve to know what to expect as they make one of the biggest transitions in their lives. Second, we deprive them of the right and the ability to plan for what's coming so that they are better prepared. Third, we take upon ourselves the roles of parents, thereby patronizing expectant mothers by usurping their rights to knowledge, understanding, and validation of their experiences (something men have been doing to women since patriarchy began). And fourth, knowing what is to come gives us a reference point from which to understand our experiences and make sense of them. To a new mother who is expecting a fairy tale version of her advent into motherhood, the shock of discovering just how hard it can be sometimes can make her feel like there is something wrong with her because her experience does not match the fairy tale version that she expected. Rather, by arming a woman with the information she needs to know about what to expect as she makes her foray into motherhood, and letting her know that every woman's experience is different and that her experience is her own and should not be compared with other women's, we make her stronger, wiser, and more confident.
The transition to motherhood occurs in three stages: pregnancy, birth, and the first three months postpartum. When a woman is pregnant she is in the first stage, what I call the “engagement” stage. Everyone knows that she is going to be a mother and she is excited and looks forward to the big event. Then she gives birth and enters the second stage, or the “honeymoon” stage. The baby has arrived and everyone shares in the joyous occasion. Friends and family come to see the new addition to the family and the new mother basks in the celebration of her new baby. It is not until the excitement has died down and she finds herself alone with her newborn that reality suddenly dawns on her—I am a mother!
The third stage occurs after the birth and lasts for approximately three months (adjusted for babies born prematurely). I call this the “training” stage. It is an initiation period during which a transformation takes place in a woman’s psyche as she develops the skills and confidence she needs to become a mother. This is also the most difficult stage when she must push herself beyond her usual limits of endurance, strength, and emotional capacity in order to meet the new demands of motherhood. There are two phases to the training stage. Phase I occurs after the initial post-birth period when a woman is still adjusting to the idea of being a mother. Phase II occurs when the hard work of becoming a mother begins and her transformation from an independent woman to a mother crystallizes. (You can read more about Phases I and II in the author's paper:
The Stages of Transition to Motherhood.)
There is no doubt that babies, and becoming a mother, are one of the greatest joys in a woman's life. But to ignore the very real aspects of this experience is to bury your head in the sand. And to deny the knowledge of what to expect is to betray expectant mothers who are looking to us more experienced mothers to prepare them for this journey of a lifetime. My goal is to inform, educate, and help prepare expectant and first-time mothers so that they can have the confidence they need to become the mothers they are meant to be.
Original post on New Mom Central.
[stages][transition][first-time mothers][stages of transition][babies][motherhood][expectant mother][birth][mothers]
