Expectant Mothers and First-Time Mothers: The Loss of Your Personal Life Rhythm

A woman completely gives up her personal life rhythm once her baby is born. Just as she sacrifices her own needs in order to meet her baby's needs, so she gives up her own personal lifestyle to fit the needs of her new baby. This can be a very difficult adjustment to make. Her whole world can feel like it has been turned upside down as she adjusts her life to fit her new baby's needs. Eventually she will begin to get some of her own life rhythm back, but during her "training period" (i.e. the first three months postpartum) it can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under her as she struggles to gain a foothold on her new life.

Before having my own babies I lived a relatively unfettered life. Although I had my own personal routine, I could deviate from it whenever I wanted to without repercussions. But having babies changed all that because a baby's routine is pretty much the same from one day to the next. They are usually predictable in their eating and sleeping patterns. For instance, most newborns need to eat and sleep every 1-3 hours. When you aren't used to this, it takes time to get used to living your life so predictably and according to someone else's schedule.

A person's life rhythm is an integral part of who she is. Every adult has one. There are few occasions where someone's personal life rhythm is suddenly eliminated, short of prison or a major debilitating accident. Even then, the person alters his life rhythm to adjust to the situation, but does not completely give it up. His life is still about him. Even a new mother's partner continues with her or his personal routine of getting up, taking a shower, and going to work. Once he comes home from work his schedule may be different from the way it was before, but overall his routine is relatively similar to how it was prior to parenthood. This can cause the new mom to feel jealous and even resentful of her partner, as she struggles to retain some sense of her own personal rhythm while still trying to provide her baby with everything he needs.

During the first three months postpartum you can expect your life to be turned upside down (unless you have a nighttime or daytime nanny, housekeeper, and/or go back to work). But this is a temporary phase. Eventually, although you will not get your "old" life rhythm back, you will be able to get back some of your old routine and do the things you used to enjoy. You will always have a schedule that revolves around your baby (and then child as she grows), but you will be able to develop a schedule that fits your needs, as well.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[expectant mom]
[expectant mother]
[life rhythm]
[sleep]
[new mother]
[woman]
[first-time mother]
[motherhood]

What first-time mothers need to know about newborns

Prior to becoming a mother, I had assumed that newborns "arrived" fully developed and that all they really needed was a lot of love and basic care. When I was pregnant I fantasized about breastfeeding in my rocking chair with my babies gazing up at me and me looking down at them adoringly with my hair cascading around their little cherub faces--the perfect mother-infant symbiotic relationship. If they cried (which would be rarely because they would just know how much I loved them) I pictured myself soothing them with hugs and kisses and singing to them until they calmed down. Unfortunately, this was not to be the case, much to my surprise. Instead, I watched as they struggled with gas pains, painful bowel movements, an immature nervous system, an undeveloped biological clock, acid reflux, colic, and the inability to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. I quickly learned how difficult it can sometimes be to care for a newborn baby.

Why is caring for a newborn baby so difficult sometimes? Dr. Harvey Karp, in his book The Happiest Baby on the Block, calls the first three months of a baby's life the "4th trimester" because he believes that a baby is not yet ready to come out of the womb. His theory is that all newborn babies could use another trimester in the womb but that their heads would be too big for the birth canal if they waited, so they arrive three months early. In addition, a newborn's physiological system is not yet fully mature when she is born. Consequently, she can experience discomfort and even pain, which can lead to periods of inconsolable crying, causing even more stress for the new mother. So here we have a baby who is not yet ready to be out of the womb and a new mother who has never taken care of a newborn before. One can understand how this can easily become a scenario ripe with the potential for overwhelming stress as both mother and baby adapt to their new environments.

If a first-time mother receives the help she needs, and has someone who can show her how to help her baby through any difficulties that might come up, she will better understand what her newborn might be going through. Many new mothers do not understand the problems that some newborns have and can suffer emotionally if their baby is crying inconsolably and nothing they do seems to help. This increases their stress and can affect their confidence in their ability to be a good mother, which can exacerbate any postpartum depression they may be having.

If you are an expectant mother, or a new mother, it is important to learn as much as you can about newborns. The more you understand the less you will panic when your baby is in distress. Some babies have an easier time of it than others, so if your baby is having a difficult time you need to understand that it is unlikely it is anything that you are doing. Most new mothers I have met are very conscientious and try to learn everything they can about taking care of newborns so that their baby can get her needs met and be a happy baby. But it is easy to fall into the trap of "mother guilt" in our Western culture and think that if your baby is unhappy it is your fault. Don't do this to yourself. Know that you are doing the best you can and learn as much as you can via the Internet, books, pediatricians and other experts, and other mothers. Your newborn will be fine and so will you once the 3 months have passed. And always check with your pediatrician if your baby consistently cries inconsolably to rule out any health problems.

As an adjunct to this topic, here's an informative blog post for how to discern your baby's distinctive cries.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[Harvey Karp]
[4th trimester]
[babies]
[newborn]
[baby]
[new mother]
[first-time mother]
[motherhood]
[expectant mother]
[women]
[postpartum]

First-time mothers and expectant mothers - Developing Your Mother Identity

What does it mean to be a mother? There is a tendency to think that once you give birth you are a mother. But since becoming a mother myself, I have learned that becoming a mother is a process, not an event. It takes experience, hard work, love, joy, and plenty of mistakes. But even more importantly, it involves an inner transformation--a shift in a woman's sense of who she is now that she is a "mother."

Every woman has within her the seed of her own mother identity that was created through her personal life experiences. Her idea of motherhood develops from her experiences with her own mother and other mothering figures in her life, as well as the images of the good and bad mother in her culture. All of these experiences lead her to her initial ideas of what it means to be a mother. Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls this aspect of a woman's identity her "internal mother."

I also believe every woman has within her an "inner mother" that reflects her own maternal ideas and instincts. It is your inner mother that contains your mother's intuition, compels you to respond to your children's needs in your own unique way, and helps you create a maternal bond with your child. Unfortunately, this inner mother is often underdeveloped in favor of the idealistic (though unrealistic) images of the "supermom" and "glamourmom" put forth by Western society. For a woman to fully develop her inner mother she must learn when to turn away from these societal images, family expectations, and the well-meaning advice of others, and listen to her own maternal wisdom via her mother's intuition. The more she does so, the stronger her inner mother will become and the more she will be able to develop her own unique style of mothering. One wonders sometimes if the problems of mothers such as Britney Spears involves a disconnection with their inner mothers as the result of being unable to turn away from others' expectations of them now that they are mothers.

However, we do not want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater," as it were, and ignore the advice and suggestions of others. It is important to draw on the wisdom and experience of other mothers, as well as the expertise of pediatric experts, especially if you have no maternal mentor of your own. The idea is to take the information and advice you receive and then check in with your mother's intuition and make your own decision based on what feels right for you and your baby. In this way, you allow your own maternal wisdom to develop.

Maternal wisdom is self-made, it cannot be taught. Through the time-honored practice of trial and error you will learn to trust your own instincts and judgments. By listening to advice from others, as well as tuning in to your own inner voice, you can become the mother you want to be.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[identity]
[motherhood]
[women]
[mothers]
[Britney Spears]
[expectant mother]
[expectant mothers]
[postpartum]
[maternal]

Here's something fun to read for first-time moms and expectant moms

Someone Said...

"Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.

Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal," is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring...Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good." Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices. Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first. Somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in books...Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten or on a plane headed for military.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back. Somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home...Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her...Somebody isn't a mother.

Original post on New Mom Central.

First-Time Mothers: New Mom Culture Shock

Romantic myths abound of what it feels like to become a mother for the very first time. The first months following the birth of a woman’s first baby is perceived as an eternally blissful period—a maternal symbiosis in which a woman croons to her newborn while breastfeeding him each day and basks in the joy of being a new mother. As a result, women have come to expect a fairy tale experience of the transition to motherhood. But the truth is that entering into motherhood is like entering into another culture. Many women have no idea what to do when they come face-to-face with their newborn babies for the very first time and are surprised when they find out just how overwhelming and demanding becoming a mother can be. This is usually when culture shock sets in.

The definition of culture shock (www.wikipedia.org) is: “anxiety and feelings that occur when people have to operate within an entirely different cultural or social environment…[it] grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not.”

The symptoms of culture shock that are often experienced when someone takes up residence in a new country are surprisingly similar to the experience of many women when they become mothers for the very first time. For example, they must learn to communicate with, and develop a relationship with, someone who speaks a foreign language (crying) and who has habits and customs that are completely foreign. If a woman has help, i.e. an interpreter (maternal mentor) or emissary (pediatric professional) to this culture, she will learn the customs, habits, and language more quickly and experience less culture shock. However, if she is suddenly immersed into it without guidance she will experience more culture shock.

It is important that women are prepared for how dramatically their lives will change when they become a mother, especially if they choose to be SAHMs, so as to avoid the feeling of culture shock as much as possible. It is not possible to be fully prepared for all of the physical, mental, and emotional changes that accompany the transition into motherhood or the constantly changing needs of a newborn, but the more prepared they are the easier it will be for them. They should be forewarned, for example, that their lives will no longer be about them, that they will be operating in a different "time zone" and will be sleep deprived and exhausted all the time, that their hormones and emotions will fluctuate so dramatically that they will feel like they are on a perpetual roller coaster ride, that they will no longer feel like the same person they used to be (at least temporarily), that they will need to learn to function in a new “land” and adapt to the habits and customs of their newborn and to the mother culture, and that their bodies will not feel (or look) the same, as they recover from the birth process and take on the physical demands of motherhood. This is not meant to scare them but rather to give them a realistic idea of what to expect so that they can prepare for it ahead of time and “ride the wave” of this tumultuous period more easily, resulting in less culture shock.

(To read more, you can link to the author's full paper.)


Original post on New Mom Central.

[culture shock]
[new mother]
[new mom]
[first-time mothers]
[motherhood]
[transition]
[life]
[culture]
[shock]

First-time Mothers and The Stages of Transition to Motherhood

Becoming a mother does not happen in one event--birth. It is a process that begins at conception and ends months after the birth. Understanding this process can help prepare an expectant mom for what lies ahead. I have heard many new moms say that they wish someone had told them the truth about what to expect when becoming a first-time mom. Unfortunately, it is often hard to find the truth behind the fairy tale images that are presented to women about the process of becoming a new mother. It is incomprehensible to me that over the space of 9 months of pregnancy (give or take) not a word is spoken to the expectant mother about the reality of what she can expect once she crosses over the threshold to motherhood. There are many advocates (including mothers!) to the "secrecy" around the reality of becoming a mother. The fear seems to be that to tell an expectant mom the truth will only "scare" her. As a result, many women are surprised, and sometimes shocked, by the reality of caring for a newborn and the responsibilities of motherhood.

I do not subscribe to this secrecy "conspiracy." There are many things wrong with hiding the truth from expectant moms and painting a rosy picture of the experiences they can expect upon becoming a mom for the first time. First, we infantilize them by presuming that we must "protect" them from the truth, as if they are not capable of handling the truth. Expectant moms are not little children who need to be protected from the realities of life. They are women who deserve to know what to expect as they make one of the biggest transitions in their lives. Second, we deprive them of the right and the ability to plan for what's coming so that they are better prepared. Third, we take upon ourselves the roles of parents, thereby patronizing expectant mothers by usurping their rights to knowledge, understanding, and validation of their experiences (something men have been doing to women since patriarchy began). And fourth, knowing what is to come gives us a reference point from which to understand our experiences and make sense of them. To a new mother who is expecting a fairy tale version of her advent into motherhood, the shock of discovering just how hard it can be sometimes can make her feel like there is something wrong with her because her experience does not match the fairy tale version that she expected. Rather, by arming a woman with the information she needs to know about what to expect as she makes her foray into motherhood, and letting her know that every woman's experience is different and that her experience is her own and should not be compared with other women's, we make her stronger, wiser, and more confident.

The transition to motherhood occurs in three stages: pregnancy, birth, and the first three months postpartum. When a woman is pregnant she is in the first stage, what I call the “engagement” stage. Everyone knows that she is going to be a mother and she is excited and looks forward to the big event. Then she gives birth and enters the second stage, or the “honeymoon” stage. The baby has arrived and everyone shares in the joyous occasion. Friends and family come to see the new addition to the family and the new mother basks in the celebration of her new baby. It is not until the excitement has died down and she finds herself alone with her newborn that reality suddenly dawns on her—I am a mother!
The third stage occurs after the birth and lasts for approximately three months (adjusted for babies born prematurely). I call this the “training” stage. It is an initiation period during which a transformation takes place in a woman’s psyche as she develops the skills and confidence she needs to become a mother. This is also the most difficult stage when she must push herself beyond her usual limits of endurance, strength, and emotional capacity in order to meet the new demands of motherhood. There are two phases to the training stage. Phase I occurs after the initial post-birth period when a woman is still adjusting to the idea of being a mother. Phase II occurs when the hard work of becoming a mother begins and her transformation from an independent woman to a mother crystallizes. (You can read more about Phases I and II in the author's paper: The Stages of Transition to Motherhood.)

There is no doubt that babies, and becoming a mother, are one of the greatest joys in a woman's life. But to ignore the very real aspects of this experience is to bury your head in the sand. And to deny the knowledge of what to expect is to betray expectant mothers who are looking to us more experienced mothers to prepare them for this journey of a lifetime. My goal is to inform, educate, and help prepare expectant and first-time mothers so that they can have the confidence they need to become the mothers they are meant to be.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[stages]
[transition]
[first-time mothers]
[stages of transition]
[babies]
[motherhood]
[expectant mother]
[birth]
[mothers]