The "Real Deal" on Sleep Deprivation

When you become pregnant, one of the things you may hear most often from other parents, especially mothers, is "Enjoy your sleep while you can because you won't get much after the baby comes!" accompanied by giggles and smiles.  I heard this all the time when I was pregnant and I thought "Well, I'm not sure I can actually "enjoy" my sleep, but okay." I didn't really understand what everyone was talking about. It sounded more like an inside joke than anything I should worry about. Well, now I know. And I want to give you the "real deal" on what everyone is talking about when they say this.

Don't bother enjoying your sleep or getting more of it because there isn't anything you can do about future sleep that you might miss. You can't stockpile sleep. So, these veiled warnings about sleep are not very helpful. But here's what you can do:

- Plan for the fact that you will be extremely sleep deprived once your baby comes and for at least the first three months postpartum, possibly even 6 months or a year afterward, depending on your baby's sleep habits (or the lack thereof!).

- Be determined to get as much sleep as you can after the baby arrives. And I don't mean to nonchalantly ponder the idea--no, I mean be more determined about this than you've been about just about any other thing in your life. It really is no joking matter, and I'm not joking.

- Talk to you husband or partner and let him (or her) know that you intend to rely on him as the other parent to make sure you get the sleep you need, or at least as much as you can. Tell him that you will expect him to do father duty in the middle of the night, just as he does during the day. Most fathers (and partners) don't have to be told, they automatically do this. But if you know that your partner tends more toward the selfish, lazy, thoughtless, or inconsiderate side, prep him now. Do it nicely, but let it be known in no uncertain terms that you are not superwoman and you have no intention of being supermom. Tell him that newborns eat every 2-3 hours (sometimes every hour) 24 hours a day and that you are only human and must get your sleep, along with everyone else. One of the problems with this topic is that many new mothers feel guilty asking their partner to contribute to the middle-of-the-night feedings because "he has to go to work in the morning." That's very thoughtful and considerate of you. But, the truth is that so do you. And the difference is that, depending on the kind of job he (or she) has, you will be constantly on your feet and responding to the needs of your newborn with little or no breaks, while he will have the opportunity to sit down once in a while without having to jump up and care for a crying baby.

- Make a strategic plan for help and support. This means being proactive now, while you're still pregnant, to anticipate what kinds of tasks/responsibilities friends and family will be able to help you with after the birth and solicit their help--formally. Make them commit to helping you during the first three months. If they love you and care about you (and your baby) they will gladly commit. (See my post on creating a Preemptive Postpartum Plan for Support.) Then, and this is very important so listen up, take naps when they are over helping you. The most common thing I hear from mothers is how much they underestimated their need for sleep and didn't take advantage of opportunities to nap when they had the time.

- Plan to nap when your baby naps. Yes, the dishes may be dirty and the floor may need to be swept. Ignore this. One of THE most important things you will need postpartum is sleep. And it will be up to you to make sure you get it. No one else can make you sleep (or your baby, as you will soon find out :).

- If you can afford it, hire a night nurse or nanny. Not to take over at night or during the day, but to give you breaks because the #1 need you will have is someone to give you a break from caring for your darling son or daughter.

Now, here's what you need to know about sleep deprivation that you may not know, so that you don't underestimate your need for sleep during the postpartum "high" you may be feeling after the birth:

1. You will underestimate your need for sleep. Count on it. Some people only need 6 hours of sleep per night. The way you can tell if you're one of those people is to determine how many hours of sleep you needed before you became pregnant. That's how much sleep you'll need after the birth to function at your best (possibly more since you'll be recovering from 9 months of pregnancy and then the physical act of giving birth).

2. When you feel irritable, depressed, nervous, confused, or inadequate as you tend to your newborn, some of these feelings and moods are due to the lack of sleep, rather than your ability to be a good mother or the circumstances you find yourself in, such as breastfeeding or sleeping problems with your newborn. When you're sleep deprived, things that normally wouldn't faze you may irritate you or send your self-confidence into a tailspin. Sleep affects our moods dramatically. You'll discover this when you experience the difference between missing out on a lot of sleep and getting a full night's sleep. Remember that sleep is used as a torture method. And it is effective because it is one of the most important needs a person has other than air, water, and food. You can feel like you're going crazy if you are too sleep deprived. And you can't "catch up" to missed sleep, according to experts. But the more sleep you get the better you will feel. 

3. Even cat naps can affect your mood for the better, so don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can't get more than 1/2 hour of sleep so why bother. Take what you can get during these early months.

4. You will not be able to keep up the same personal and domestic level of style or cleanliness that you did in your pre-mom days (unless you have a full-time nanny and housekeeper). This is a fact. Don't try to be a perfectionistic supermom or glamourmom. Leave that for the Hollywood moms who have the millions of dollars to hire nannies, trainers, hairdressers, gardeners, housekeepers, chefs, etc. Accept your limitations and accept that during these early months you simply may not be able to have perfectly coiffed hair or an immaculately clean and stylish house like you used to. I had to get used to this and it was very difficult. Leave your ego in the delivery room. You'll get back to your stylish self again in time. Right now just focus on yours and your babies needs. You really won't have any time for anything else.

So, I hope that I have been able to convince you of the importance of this issue and that you will prepare yourself so that a) you're not taken by surprise and, b) you get the sleep you need. You and your baby will be better off for it.