First-time mothers: Going it alone

One of the most difficult parts about the first three months postpartum as a new mom can be taking care of your newborn by yourself. Many fathers take time off work to spend with their wives and new babies, but once they return to work a first-time mother who has not developed a support system of other mothers, or whose family and friends are not there to help her or visit with her, can begin to feel very lonely. Without help or visitors you can find yourself on your own caring for your newborn throughout the day, every day, without the breaks you need to recoup and rest. In addition, if you have no prior experience or proper mentoring or instruction on caring for your newborn, you will find yourself in the unique bind of having to figure out how to care for your infant.

Many new mothers learn as much as they can about newborn care by reading books, asking a lot of questions, and perusing the Internet. These are all wonderful ways to learn about newborns. You can also seek answers to your questions from your pediatrician and other mothers, talk to mothers at the local kiddie park, join new mom chat rooms, etc. There are many ways to find the information you need for just about every question you may have about caring for your newborn. The key is to take what you learn, try it out, and then decide for yourself whether it is right for you and your baby or not.

If you experience loneliness during your first three months as a new mother, there are things that you can do to feel less lonely. Some women are okay with the isolation they experience and even say that it is nice to have the time to just focus on the baby or that they are homebodies, anyway, so it doesn't bother them to be alone at home all day. Other women, however, are more social oriented and do not tolerate isolation very well and can become lonely. Depending on how isolated you are and how you feel about it, it can become very important to do something about it because your feelings of loneliness can influence your experience of postpartum depression.

It is important to plan ahead for the possibility of feelings of isolation and loneliness. If you know that you are the type of person who needs social stimulation and to get out of the house on a regular basis, make sure you have a plan for doing just that. One mother I interviewed said that she joined a mom's club when she was still pregnant and began to join the other moms for walks and playdates with their children before she even gave birth. She said that this "saved her life" because she needs the stimulation of other adults and does not like to be indoors all the time. Other women make sure they get together with their friends after they give birth (as soon as the pediatrician has given the okay for the baby to be outside and around other people) or they make it part of their daily or weekly schedule to take their baby for walks to the nearest park or coffee shop. I used to take my twins to the local Starbucks and neighborhood parks where I found the interactions with other mothers to be a welcome relief from my own sense of isolation, or sometimes if I was going to go stir crazy on any given day (I'm one who needs to go out of the house at least once a day or I will go stir-crazy) I would just go for a walk around the block. Not easy to do with two newborns, but it did a world of good for my mental well-being.

It is a good idea to think ahead to after you give birth and try to set a plan or structure in place to meet your social needs. That way you won't feel abandoned by others or "imprisoned" by the four walls of your home, which you will get to know REALLY well during those first few months!


Original post on New Mom Central.

[first-time mother]
[new mother]
[expectant mother]
[loneliness]
[isolation]
[baby]
[infant]
[new mom]

New Mothers and First-time Mothers: A Sense of Isolation

One aspect of the transformation to motherhood that comes as a surprise to many women is the sense of isolation they feel from being restricted to the house every day to care for their newborns. This isolation is felt more keenly if a new mother has little or no support and few visitors. After the excitement of the birth of my babies had died down and my husband returned to work, I found myself on my own to care for my newborns. That is when I experienced my first sense of isolation. It took time for me to switch from being active and independent one day, to suddenly finding myself alone with two preverbal newborns all day.

Many women are shocked to discover just how restrictive being at home all day, every day, can feel. I believe being housebound plays an important role in the amount of stress and depression a first-time mother experiences during her first three months postpartum. Her baby is still too young and has too many immediate needs for her to spend much time away from home yet, so she finds herself at home virtually every day and night. This lack of freedom to come and go can be very difficult to adapt to. She may even feel like she is in prison at times, in spite of her love for and devotion to her new baby. The only escape she has from this "domestic prison" is visitors. If she does not have many visitors, then the happiness she feels being with her newborn can become overshadowed by feelings of isolation and loneliness.

A woman can experience this sense of isolation even if she did not work prior to becoming a mother. Most women are at least out and about with their friends and family and not sitting at home alone all day. But after a woman has a baby her world shrinks. Once the excitement of the birth is over visitors often slow down to a trickle, leaving a new mother feeling isolated and alone. She can no longer just “get up and go” whenever she wants to, not even for a quick trip to the grocery store. At first, she may not be aware of how much time she is spending at home because she is so busy with her new responsibilities and so happy with her new bundle of joy. But after the first month or so most women are “itching” to get out of the house. If she is planning to return to work soon she will at least have this to look forward to as a way of getting back into the “real” world. But if she has decided to be a career mother or a full-time SAHM the sudden transition to being at home every day can be a difficult adjustment for her to make.

If you receive adequate support from your partner, friends, and family to allow you to continue doing some of the same activities you enjoyed prior to becoming a mother, e.g. going out to eat, seeing a movie or play, or just hanging out with friends, it will help you feel like you still matter as an individual. Granted, you will not be able to go out as often as you used to, but a few outings now and then will help you to feel more like your old self and reduce the isolation you feel. The only way this will happen is if someone else is around so that you can take time for yourself. The good news is that the need to be housebound is temporary, although it can sometimes feel like it will last forever. Eventually, most mothers forge friendships with other mothers, connect with mothers at local kiddie parks, and join mother’s groups, allowing them to get out of the house, to socialize, and to feel more like themselves.

If you are a new mother, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting out of the house, both with your baby AND by yourself, once in a while so that you don't feel lonely and isolated being at home by yourself all day. If you have enough visitors and don't want to go out by yourself, that's fine. But take some time for yourself and away from your baby. As much as you love your newborn, sometimes you need a break. If you don't want to take my word for it, here's a link to an article that may give you some idea why it's important to take time for yourself. :)


Original post on New Mom Central.

[new mothers]
[first-time mother]
[isolation]
[motherhood]
[mothers]
[postpartum]

What first-time mothers need to know about newborns

Prior to becoming a mother, I had assumed that newborns "arrived" fully developed and that all they really needed was a lot of love and basic care. When I was pregnant I fantasized about breastfeeding in my rocking chair with my babies gazing up at me and me looking down at them adoringly with my hair cascading around their little cherub faces--the perfect mother-infant symbiotic relationship. If they cried (which would be rarely because they would just know how much I loved them) I pictured myself soothing them with hugs and kisses and singing to them until they calmed down. Unfortunately, this was not to be the case, much to my surprise. Instead, I watched as they struggled with gas pains, painful bowel movements, an immature nervous system, an undeveloped biological clock, acid reflux, colic, and the inability to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. I quickly learned how difficult it can sometimes be to care for a newborn baby.

Why is caring for a newborn baby so difficult sometimes? Dr. Harvey Karp, in his book The Happiest Baby on the Block, calls the first three months of a baby's life the "4th trimester" because he believes that a baby is not yet ready to come out of the womb. His theory is that all newborn babies could use another trimester in the womb but that their heads would be too big for the birth canal if they waited, so they arrive three months early. In addition, a newborn's physiological system is not yet fully mature when she is born. Consequently, she can experience discomfort and even pain, which can lead to periods of inconsolable crying, causing even more stress for the new mother. So here we have a baby who is not yet ready to be out of the womb and a new mother who has never taken care of a newborn before. One can understand how this can easily become a scenario ripe with the potential for overwhelming stress as both mother and baby adapt to their new environments.

If a first-time mother receives the help she needs, and has someone who can show her how to help her baby through any difficulties that might come up, she will better understand what her newborn might be going through. Many new mothers do not understand the problems that some newborns have and can suffer emotionally if their baby is crying inconsolably and nothing they do seems to help. This increases their stress and can affect their confidence in their ability to be a good mother, which can exacerbate any postpartum depression they may be having.

If you are an expectant mother, or a new mother, it is important to learn as much as you can about newborns. The more you understand the less you will panic when your baby is in distress. Some babies have an easier time of it than others, so if your baby is having a difficult time you need to understand that it is unlikely it is anything that you are doing. Most new mothers I have met are very conscientious and try to learn everything they can about taking care of newborns so that their baby can get her needs met and be a happy baby. But it is easy to fall into the trap of "mother guilt" in our Western culture and think that if your baby is unhappy it is your fault. Don't do this to yourself. Know that you are doing the best you can and learn as much as you can via the Internet, books, pediatricians and other experts, and other mothers. Your newborn will be fine and so will you once the 3 months have passed. And always check with your pediatrician if your baby consistently cries inconsolably to rule out any health problems.

As an adjunct to this topic, here's an informative blog post for how to discern your baby's distinctive cries.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[Harvey Karp]
[4th trimester]
[babies]
[newborn]
[baby]
[new mother]
[first-time mother]
[motherhood]
[expectant mother]
[women]
[postpartum]

First-time mothers and expectant mothers - Developing Your Mother Identity

What does it mean to be a mother? There is a tendency to think that once you give birth you are a mother. But since becoming a mother myself, I have learned that becoming a mother is a process, not an event. It takes experience, hard work, love, joy, and plenty of mistakes. But even more importantly, it involves an inner transformation--a shift in a woman's sense of who she is now that she is a "mother."

Every woman has within her the seed of her own mother identity that was created through her personal life experiences. Her idea of motherhood develops from her experiences with her own mother and other mothering figures in her life, as well as the images of the good and bad mother in her culture. All of these experiences lead her to her initial ideas of what it means to be a mother. Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls this aspect of a woman's identity her "internal mother."

I also believe every woman has within her an "inner mother" that reflects her own maternal ideas and instincts. It is your inner mother that contains your mother's intuition, compels you to respond to your children's needs in your own unique way, and helps you create a maternal bond with your child. Unfortunately, this inner mother is often underdeveloped in favor of the idealistic (though unrealistic) images of the "supermom" and "glamourmom" put forth by Western society. For a woman to fully develop her inner mother she must learn when to turn away from these societal images, family expectations, and the well-meaning advice of others, and listen to her own maternal wisdom via her mother's intuition. The more she does so, the stronger her inner mother will become and the more she will be able to develop her own unique style of mothering. One wonders sometimes if the problems of mothers such as Britney Spears involves a disconnection with their inner mothers as the result of being unable to turn away from others' expectations of them now that they are mothers.

However, we do not want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater," as it were, and ignore the advice and suggestions of others. It is important to draw on the wisdom and experience of other mothers, as well as the expertise of pediatric experts, especially if you have no maternal mentor of your own. The idea is to take the information and advice you receive and then check in with your mother's intuition and make your own decision based on what feels right for you and your baby. In this way, you allow your own maternal wisdom to develop.

Maternal wisdom is self-made, it cannot be taught. Through the time-honored practice of trial and error you will learn to trust your own instincts and judgments. By listening to advice from others, as well as tuning in to your own inner voice, you can become the mother you want to be.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[identity]
[motherhood]
[women]
[mothers]
[Britney Spears]
[expectant mother]
[expectant mothers]
[postpartum]
[maternal]

First-Time Mothers: New Mom Culture Shock

Romantic myths abound of what it feels like to become a mother for the very first time. The first months following the birth of a woman’s first baby is perceived as an eternally blissful period—a maternal symbiosis in which a woman croons to her newborn while breastfeeding him each day and basks in the joy of being a new mother. As a result, women have come to expect a fairy tale experience of the transition to motherhood. But the truth is that entering into motherhood is like entering into another culture. Many women have no idea what to do when they come face-to-face with their newborn babies for the very first time and are surprised when they find out just how overwhelming and demanding becoming a mother can be. This is usually when culture shock sets in.

The definition of culture shock (www.wikipedia.org) is: “anxiety and feelings that occur when people have to operate within an entirely different cultural or social environment…[it] grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not.”

The symptoms of culture shock that are often experienced when someone takes up residence in a new country are surprisingly similar to the experience of many women when they become mothers for the very first time. For example, they must learn to communicate with, and develop a relationship with, someone who speaks a foreign language (crying) and who has habits and customs that are completely foreign. If a woman has help, i.e. an interpreter (maternal mentor) or emissary (pediatric professional) to this culture, she will learn the customs, habits, and language more quickly and experience less culture shock. However, if she is suddenly immersed into it without guidance she will experience more culture shock.

It is important that women are prepared for how dramatically their lives will change when they become a mother, especially if they choose to be SAHMs, so as to avoid the feeling of culture shock as much as possible. It is not possible to be fully prepared for all of the physical, mental, and emotional changes that accompany the transition into motherhood or the constantly changing needs of a newborn, but the more prepared they are the easier it will be for them. They should be forewarned, for example, that their lives will no longer be about them, that they will be operating in a different "time zone" and will be sleep deprived and exhausted all the time, that their hormones and emotions will fluctuate so dramatically that they will feel like they are on a perpetual roller coaster ride, that they will no longer feel like the same person they used to be (at least temporarily), that they will need to learn to function in a new “land” and adapt to the habits and customs of their newborn and to the mother culture, and that their bodies will not feel (or look) the same, as they recover from the birth process and take on the physical demands of motherhood. This is not meant to scare them but rather to give them a realistic idea of what to expect so that they can prepare for it ahead of time and “ride the wave” of this tumultuous period more easily, resulting in less culture shock.

(To read more, you can link to the author's full paper.)


Original post on New Mom Central.

[culture shock]
[new mother]
[new mom]
[first-time mothers]
[motherhood]
[transition]
[life]
[culture]
[shock]

First-Time Mothers and the First Three Months Postpartum

Your life circumstances at the time you give birth can have a big impact on your experience during your first three months as a new mom. There are many factors that influence a new mother’s experience during her first three months postpartum. Here are just some examples:

• How much support you have
• Your financial situation
• Your age
• If you have multiple newborns to care for
• If you have a caring and involved partner
• Whether or not there are breastfeeding or other newborn problems
• Current and/or prior mental health issues
• Hormones
• How you feel about yourself and about becoming a mother
• The temperament of your newborn
• The prematurity of your newborn
• Complications from the birth or a ceasarean birth

There is no "one shoe fits all" experience. Many women expect a fairy-tale experience after they give birth and, granted, some women do have this experience. But others have a more difficult time of it and this is okay. There is a lot of pressure for all women to have the same experience and this is not only unfair, it is unrealistic. It is important that you accept your unique experience in becoming a mother. The fact is that this is a new experience for you. Let it unfold the way it is meant to for you. If you need someone to talk to, find someone. And whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Time passes and emotions are transient--they will pass, too.* Your newborn will continue to grow and as she does you will develop your mother skills and become more confident.

The first three months after you give birth may be one of the most difficult aspects of your transition to motherhood because, let's face it, you have never been a mother before and have a lot to learn. But it is also a unique period of time for enjoying the miracle of your new baby and building that all-important maternal bond with her or him.

* If you have depressive feelings that never seem to let up, please talk to a professional right away.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[first-time mothers]
[first-time mother]
[postpartum]
[first three months]
[birth]
[first baby]
[newborn]
[maternal bond]
[hormones]
[prematurity]
[new mom]
[new mother]

First-time Mothers: Accept Your Postpartum Emotions

Many first time moms in the U.S. are under the misguided belief that they must enjoy absolutely every moment of new motherhood and have a blissful symbiotic relationship with their babies all the time. If they don't then the presumption is that there is something wrong with them as women. This belief stems from the cultural propaganda that all women should feel happy and fulfilled in their roles as mothers. This is not only unrealistic it is unfair. The truth is that you will experience a range of emotions as you go through this major life change. To deny this, or to pretend otherwise, will only increase your stress during this three month period.

Your emotions will fluctuate during your first three months postpartum (and maybe longer) for a variety of reasons. First, your hormones are adjusting from the pregnancy and birth. Second, you are going through a major life transition and all major life transitions evoke a wide range of emotions in those who are going through them. Third, your life rhythm has changed and you are still getting your bearings. And fourth, taking care of a newborn is not always easy and you have a lot to learn.

Other new mothers also experience conflicting emotions , but may try to hide them in an attempt to live up to the ideal image of motherhood. But the truth is that it is just as normal to experience anger, frustration, resentment, and sadness during this time as it is to feel joy, love, wonderment, and gratitude. Sometimes you may revel in the joy of being a new mom, while other times you may wonder what you have gotten yourself into. Accepting the depth and range of your emotions during this time will help you to "surf the wave" of this life-altering transition with greater ease and more joy, and allow you to develop your own unique identity as a mother.

Some women are afraid that if they experience any negative feelings about either their roles as mothers or the behavior of their babies (e.g. inconsolable crying) it means either that they do not like being a mother or that they do not love their babies. Neither one of these is true. It is normal to feel resentful or angry, for example, when your baby has been crying (or screaming) inconsolably for the second straight hour or you have to drag yourself out of bed in the middle of the night for yet another feeding. These feelings are simply a natural reaction to an overwhelming event, not a reflection of the love you feel for your baby. In fact, you can feel fulfilled in your new role as a mother and still experience some negative reactions to specific situations.

It is important not to judge your feelings during this time, but to talk about them with someone who can be understanding and compassionate. This will help you put them in perspective. If you do not have someone to talk to, then write them down. The dichotomy is that once you accept your so-called "negative" feelings, the loving and blissful feelings will return.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[postpartum]
[expectant mother]
[first-time mothers]
[baby]
[mother]
[feelings]
[roles]
[resentful]
[angry]
[motherhood]
[blissful]
[hormones]
[life transition]

New Mothers and Sleep Deprivation

One of the most difficult needs for a new mom to get met is sleep. Most babies don't start sleeping through the night until after the first 3 months postpartum (some many months afterwards). During this time, a new mom is up either breastfeeding or bottle feeding her baby usually every 2-3 hours, 24 hours a day. So, what's a new mom to do? The first thing you need to do is set up your support system (that network of friends and family who are generous enough to give you some of their valuable time) so that you can take naps. Also, have your life partner/spouse take over one or more of the overnight feedings a couple of times a week so that you can get more than a couple hours of sleep at a time. Or, you can hire a night nurse or nanny. That would certainly simplify things.

Many new mothers believe that they can function well on just a few hours of sleep a night. According to an informal survey published in Parents.com, many new mothers reported feeling “generally well-rested…[on] less than six hours of sleep a night.” Part of this attitude reflects a feeling of “new-parent joy…[and] adrenaline,” according to Isadora Fox, but part of it also reflects the inability of these women to predict how sleepy they are.

As a first time mother you need your rest so that you can continue to have the energy to respond to your baby. Chronic sleep deprivation leads to lower energy, irritability, anxiety, and depression, as well as memory lapses, a reduced ability to concentrate, a shorter attention span, tiredness, a reduced ability to tolerate stress, and changes in appetite. Even if you do not feel tired, you may notice that you are easily frustrated, or more irritable, sleepy at certain times of the day, or forgetful. Pay attention to signs of sleep deprivation. If you find, for example, that you have just put the milk into the cupboard and the cereal box into the fridge, it is a clear sign that you are not getting enough sleep.

One mother's succinct description for how to know if you're sleep-deprived describes it best...





Original post on New Mom Central.

First-time Mothers and Postpartum Depression Study

If you are currently experiencing postpartum depression, you might be interested in participating in this study. Don't be afraid to seek help if you feel depressed. You are not alone and seeking help is the best thing you can do.

Here's the link to the study:

Postpartum Depression Study

Here's a link to a blog written by a mother who shares her personal story with postpartum depression:

Mom's Personal Story

Caring for Your Newborn Baby

Helpful Advice for New Moms: Caring for Your Newborn

Here is a great article on the value of swaddling your newborn to help soothe her. The theory behind swaddling is that it mimics the conditions of the womb, i.e. tight snug quarters. Then, if you rock or swing your baby it further mimics the experience of the womb since when you were pregnant you were usually moving around creating an active environment for your baby.

Here is a link to an article about swaddling your baby:

http://pregnancyandbaby.com/pregnancy/baby/Swaddling--Independence-versus-interdependence-3770.htm




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Also, here is a link to a thoughtful blog entry about the difficulties of caring for a newborn who is crying inconsolably:

http://birthsupport.wordpress.com/2007/10/19/crying-babies-and-shaken-baby-syndrome/


Original post at New Mom Central.