GUEST POST: Amy Trayer on "Finding Time for Friends"

I've never been the type that likes to stay at home. So when my twins were born and my life as a stay-at-home mom began, it was quite a culture shock. I wanted to be a SAHM from the beginning and my husband and I planned for this financially. What I wasn't prepared for was just how much my life was going to change in so many different ways, particularly socially.

What has been the most difficult since having kids is keeping relationships with people that don't have kids. As new parents, you immediately gravitate toward your friends that already have kids or are starting a family just like you. I instantly connected with the moms I met in my local multiples club. These moms knew what it was like to have twins and how hard it was to get out the door to actually go somewhere. My group of close friends gradually changed and my social life now consisted of play dates and the occasional mom's night out. These friendships have been extremely important to me during these last two years of being a new mom.

Having some time without the kids is not always easy, but in my opinion, very necessary. My husband and I still socialize as a couple, but we find ourselves doing more with our own group of friends. One parent enjoys a night out with friends while the other parent is home with the kids. These nights are maybe once a month but my husband and I have agreed just how important they are for each of us. I can't stay up as late as I used to (kids are still going to wake up at the same time the next day!) but an early dinner and maybe a movie do wonders for me. It's nice to have uninterrupted conversations and meals and generally feel mentally and physically relaxed while catching up with friends.

Obviously during those first few months of having a newborn your priorities completely shift and going out with friends is not at the top of the list. But once you get into a routine and are feeling like you might want to meet up with a friend or two for lunch, dinner, coffee or dessert--give it a try and see how it works. You will come home feeling renewed and refreshed and your spouse gets to enjoy some alone time with the baby. If you are nursing you can always pump and have some bottles ready ahead of time.

My husband has always been able to care for the kids by himself. Knowing the routines and schedules has proven to be even better as the kids got older because they were so comfortable with either one of us putting them down for naps or bed. They didn't need one parent versus the other.

Above all, let go of that "mommy guilt." It was hard to leave the babies the first few times I went out with friends but the benefits of a few hours away far exceeded the guilt of not being with them every minute. My twins are two years old and I still feel some guilt when I leave them. I make sure dinner is ready, pajamas are clean and keep my cell phone close by just in case. Of course my husband is perfectly capable of doing these things, but it's my way of saying "thanks" and making the night smooth for him too.


When Amy's not struggling with guilt over taking some time for herself, she also writes for Mad About Multiples.

Original post on New Mom Central.

WINNER OF FREE BOOK "MAMA KNOWS BREAST!"

Congratulations to Leslie, winner of the book "Mama Knows Breast" by Andi Silverman!

Stay tuned for future contests and drawings!


Original post on New Mom Central.

The "Real Deal" on Sleep Deprivation

When you become pregnant, one of the things you may hear most often from other parents, especially mothers, is "Enjoy your sleep while you can because you won't get much after the baby comes!" accompanied by giggles and smiles.  I heard this all the time when I was pregnant and I thought "Well, I'm not sure I can actually "enjoy" my sleep, but okay." I didn't really understand what everyone was talking about. It sounded more like an inside joke than anything I should worry about. Well, now I know. And I want to give you the "real deal" on what everyone is talking about when they say this.

Don't bother enjoying your sleep or getting more of it because there isn't anything you can do about future sleep that you might miss. You can't stockpile sleep. So, these veiled warnings about sleep are not very helpful. But here's what you can do:

- Plan for the fact that you will be extremely sleep deprived once your baby comes and for at least the first three months postpartum, possibly even 6 months or a year afterward, depending on your baby's sleep habits (or the lack thereof!).

- Be determined to get as much sleep as you can after the baby arrives. And I don't mean to nonchalantly ponder the idea--no, I mean be more determined about this than you've been about just about any other thing in your life. It really is no joking matter, and I'm not joking.

- Talk to you husband or partner and let him (or her) know that you intend to rely on him as the other parent to make sure you get the sleep you need, or at least as much as you can. Tell him that you will expect him to do father duty in the middle of the night, just as he does during the day. Most fathers (and partners) don't have to be told, they automatically do this. But if you know that your partner tends more toward the selfish, lazy, thoughtless, or inconsiderate side, prep him now. Do it nicely, but let it be known in no uncertain terms that you are not superwoman and you have no intention of being supermom. Tell him that newborns eat every 2-3 hours (sometimes every hour) 24 hours a day and that you are only human and must get your sleep, along with everyone else. One of the problems with this topic is that many new mothers feel guilty asking their partner to contribute to the middle-of-the-night feedings because "he has to go to work in the morning." That's very thoughtful and considerate of you. But, the truth is that so do you. And the difference is that, depending on the kind of job he (or she) has, you will be constantly on your feet and responding to the needs of your newborn with little or no breaks, while he will have the opportunity to sit down once in a while without having to jump up and care for a crying baby.

- Make a strategic plan for help and support. This means being proactive now, while you're still pregnant, to anticipate what kinds of tasks/responsibilities friends and family will be able to help you with after the birth and solicit their help--formally. Make them commit to helping you during the first three months. If they love you and care about you (and your baby) they will gladly commit. (See my post on creating a Preemptive Postpartum Plan for Support.) Then, and this is very important so listen up, take naps when they are over helping you. The most common thing I hear from mothers is how much they underestimated their need for sleep and didn't take advantage of opportunities to nap when they had the time.

- Plan to nap when your baby naps. Yes, the dishes may be dirty and the floor may need to be swept. Ignore this. One of THE most important things you will need postpartum is sleep. And it will be up to you to make sure you get it. No one else can make you sleep (or your baby, as you will soon find out :).

- If you can afford it, hire a night nurse or nanny. Not to take over at night or during the day, but to give you breaks because the #1 need you will have is someone to give you a break from caring for your darling son or daughter.

Now, here's what you need to know about sleep deprivation that you may not know, so that you don't underestimate your need for sleep during the postpartum "high" you may be feeling after the birth:

1. You will underestimate your need for sleep. Count on it. Some people only need 6 hours of sleep per night. The way you can tell if you're one of those people is to determine how many hours of sleep you needed before you became pregnant. That's how much sleep you'll need after the birth to function at your best (possibly more since you'll be recovering from 9 months of pregnancy and then the physical act of giving birth).

2. When you feel irritable, depressed, nervous, confused, or inadequate as you tend to your newborn, some of these feelings and moods are due to the lack of sleep, rather than your ability to be a good mother or the circumstances you find yourself in, such as breastfeeding or sleeping problems with your newborn. When you're sleep deprived, things that normally wouldn't faze you may irritate you or send your self-confidence into a tailspin. Sleep affects our moods dramatically. You'll discover this when you experience the difference between missing out on a lot of sleep and getting a full night's sleep. Remember that sleep is used as a torture method. And it is effective because it is one of the most important needs a person has other than air, water, and food. You can feel like you're going crazy if you are too sleep deprived. And you can't "catch up" to missed sleep, according to experts. But the more sleep you get the better you will feel. 

3. Even cat naps can affect your mood for the better, so don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can't get more than 1/2 hour of sleep so why bother. Take what you can get during these early months.

4. You will not be able to keep up the same personal and domestic level of style or cleanliness that you did in your pre-mom days (unless you have a full-time nanny and housekeeper). This is a fact. Don't try to be a perfectionistic supermom or glamourmom. Leave that for the Hollywood moms who have the millions of dollars to hire nannies, trainers, hairdressers, gardeners, housekeepers, chefs, etc. Accept your limitations and accept that during these early months you simply may not be able to have perfectly coiffed hair or an immaculately clean and stylish house like you used to. I had to get used to this and it was very difficult. Leave your ego in the delivery room. You'll get back to your stylish self again in time. Right now just focus on yours and your babies needs. You really won't have any time for anything else.

So, I hope that I have been able to convince you of the importance of this issue and that you will prepare yourself so that a) you're not taken by surprise and, b) you get the sleep you need. You and your baby will be better off for it. 

Guest Blogger, Meagan Francis Writes About "Mom's Groups"

When I was pregnant with my first baby eleven years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on. I checked out every book on birth, breastfeeding, or parenting from the library and devoured each one. I subscribed to magazines like Parenting and Parents and read every issue cover to cover. But when I brought my son home from the hospital, I felt isolated and confused: home alone for most of the day, just me and my son, I found that reading wasn't enough. I needed to see how other real-life moms were handling big issues like feeding and sleep, as well as the smaller, day-to-day stuff: which diapers really prevented leaks? How did other new moms manage to take a shower?

In some ways, things have gotten better since my son was born. After all, "back then" there were just a handful of parenting resources online, and now there are thousands of blogs and websites an expecting or new mom can go to for advice or commiseration. But while a 'net' connection can be lifesaving for an isolated mom, nothing beats the interaction and hands-on help an in-real-life moms group can offer. After all, as Aviva Pflock, co-author of Mommy Guilt (you can find Aviva and her co-author, Devra Renner, at their website: www.Parentopia.net) told me in a recent interview: "An online community is great, but it can't jump in and babysit for you in an emergency."

Why seek out a mom's group in your community? Here are a few good reasons:

Resources: Whether it's finding a pediatrician who's in line with your values or locating the perfect preschool, moms need to be able to network with other moms to find out resources that are available in their community.

Help: Every mom needs a few friends she can count on for emergency child-care or help with a big task.

Advice and Information:Moms are the best experts on parenting issues, and new moms really benefit from the wisdom and advice of other moms who have been there or are going through similar issues.

Encouragement and Support: That listening ear from another mom who's been there is so important during the rocky days of motherhood. Just being around other moms and watching how they interact with their children can relieve the anxiety a mom might feel about whether she's "doing it right."

Wellbeing for Mom and Baby: Strong social networks are tied to lower incidences of depression, which can affect mothers and their children.

Friendship: After having a child, old friendships often change or fall away. New mothers often find themselves lonely and isolated, and need to find other women they can connect with.

If you're still pregnant, now is the time to start looking for other moms to connect with. Once your baby is actually here, you may find that you're tired or overwhelmed, and it's harder to reach out. Plus, you'll probably have plenty of questions and need some helping hands when your baby is little! If your baby's already here, don't hesitate--reach out! Here are some websites that might help you locate other moms in your area: www.mothersandmore.org, www.momsclub.org, and www.mops.org. 

You can also ask your obstetrician, midwife, doula, childbirth educator or pediatrician if he or she knows of any groups, or check with your local park district, library, community center or YMCA.

Or you can start your own group--post a flyer wherever the moms in your community hang out, or get on www.meetup.com and launch your own mom gathering. 

Original post on New Mom Central.

Meagan Francis is a mother of four,  mom's group leader, and author of "The Everything Health Guide to Postpartum Care." She is also working on a book about motherhood and friendship. You can find out more about Meagan at her website: www.meaganfrancis.com.