First-Time Mothers and the First Three Months Postpartum

Your life circumstances at the time you give birth can have a big impact on your experience during your first three months as a new mom. There are many factors that influence a new mother’s experience during her first three months postpartum. Here are just some examples:

• How much support you have
• Your financial situation
• Your age
• If you have multiple newborns to care for
• If you have a caring and involved partner
• Whether or not there are breastfeeding or other newborn problems
• Current and/or prior mental health issues
• Hormones
• How you feel about yourself and about becoming a mother
• The temperament of your newborn
• The prematurity of your newborn
• Complications from the birth or a ceasarean birth

There is no "one shoe fits all" experience. Many women expect a fairy-tale experience after they give birth and, granted, some women do have this experience. But others have a more difficult time of it and this is okay. There is a lot of pressure for all women to have the same experience and this is not only unfair, it is unrealistic. It is important that you accept your unique experience in becoming a mother. The fact is that this is a new experience for you. Let it unfold the way it is meant to for you. If you need someone to talk to, find someone. And whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Time passes and emotions are transient--they will pass, too.* Your newborn will continue to grow and as she does you will develop your mother skills and become more confident.

The first three months after you give birth may be one of the most difficult aspects of your transition to motherhood because, let's face it, you have never been a mother before and have a lot to learn. But it is also a unique period of time for enjoying the miracle of your new baby and building that all-important maternal bond with her or him.

* If you have depressive feelings that never seem to let up, please talk to a professional right away.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[first-time mothers]
[first-time mother]
[postpartum]
[first three months]
[birth]
[first baby]
[newborn]
[maternal bond]
[hormones]
[prematurity]
[new mom]
[new mother]

First-time Mothers: Create a "New Mother Preemptive Postpartum Plan for Support"

If you are an expectant mother, it is important that you prepare for your first three months postpartum. Do not assume that you will have all the help you need once you have your baby. People can be full of good intentions and still fall short of providing you the assistance you need once your baby arrives. They may simply forget, they may assume that you have all the help you need, or they may simply not want to intrude or interfere. Whatever the reason, if you do not have enough help as a first time mother it is up to you to be your own advocate and ask for help.

Creating a Preemptive Postpartum Plan will help you set up a support system of people to take care of most of the chores and tasks that will need to be done during your training period so you can focus your full attention on your baby. Create a list of chores that will need to be done on a regular basis for the first three months postpartum and a list of support people who will agree to do those chores. The more people you have to take care of those chores, the less you will have to do yourself and the more you can focus on being a new mom and caring for your baby. Ideally, you will want to have this plan in place before you give birth. Creating a plan before you give birth allows you to put everything in place so that you do not have to worry about anything except caring for and enjoying your new baby. If you are unable to create your plan until after the birth, then by all means do so (better late than never).

Original post on New Mom Central.

[postpartum]
[new mother]
[stress]
[joy]
[birth]
[newborn]
[strategies]
[ten]
[birth]
[support]
[baby]
[expectant mother]

First-time Mothers: Accept Your Postpartum Emotions

Many first time moms in the U.S. are under the misguided belief that they must enjoy absolutely every moment of new motherhood and have a blissful symbiotic relationship with their babies all the time. If they don't then the presumption is that there is something wrong with them as women. This belief stems from the cultural propaganda that all women should feel happy and fulfilled in their roles as mothers. This is not only unrealistic it is unfair. The truth is that you will experience a range of emotions as you go through this major life change. To deny this, or to pretend otherwise, will only increase your stress during this three month period.

Your emotions will fluctuate during your first three months postpartum (and maybe longer) for a variety of reasons. First, your hormones are adjusting from the pregnancy and birth. Second, you are going through a major life transition and all major life transitions evoke a wide range of emotions in those who are going through them. Third, your life rhythm has changed and you are still getting your bearings. And fourth, taking care of a newborn is not always easy and you have a lot to learn.

Other new mothers also experience conflicting emotions , but may try to hide them in an attempt to live up to the ideal image of motherhood. But the truth is that it is just as normal to experience anger, frustration, resentment, and sadness during this time as it is to feel joy, love, wonderment, and gratitude. Sometimes you may revel in the joy of being a new mom, while other times you may wonder what you have gotten yourself into. Accepting the depth and range of your emotions during this time will help you to "surf the wave" of this life-altering transition with greater ease and more joy, and allow you to develop your own unique identity as a mother.

Some women are afraid that if they experience any negative feelings about either their roles as mothers or the behavior of their babies (e.g. inconsolable crying) it means either that they do not like being a mother or that they do not love their babies. Neither one of these is true. It is normal to feel resentful or angry, for example, when your baby has been crying (or screaming) inconsolably for the second straight hour or you have to drag yourself out of bed in the middle of the night for yet another feeding. These feelings are simply a natural reaction to an overwhelming event, not a reflection of the love you feel for your baby. In fact, you can feel fulfilled in your new role as a mother and still experience some negative reactions to specific situations.

It is important not to judge your feelings during this time, but to talk about them with someone who can be understanding and compassionate. This will help you put them in perspective. If you do not have someone to talk to, then write them down. The dichotomy is that once you accept your so-called "negative" feelings, the loving and blissful feelings will return.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[postpartum]
[expectant mother]
[first-time mothers]
[baby]
[mother]
[feelings]
[roles]
[resentful]
[angry]
[motherhood]
[blissful]
[hormones]
[life transition]

Finally, some community help for new mothers

I am always excited when I hear or read about first time moms getting help from their community. Becoming a mom for the first time is very overwhelming because babies do not come with instruction manuals and there is SO much to learn. If a woman doesn't have a maternal mentor, such as her mother or mom-in-law (or a doula) she can become overly stressed out trying to figure out how to meet her new baby's needs without appropriate guidance and training. That is one of the biggest disappointments a woman might face after giving birth, finding that she is without appropriate guidance. Many women are shocked to find that their own mothers do not provide them either guidance or support.

It is unconscionable in most other cultures to leave a woman on her own to figure out how to care for this brand new human being she has brought into the world (and sometimes two or three if she has multiples!). Sadly, since the industrial revolution our society as a whole has lost touch with its extended family members, preferring to do everything on our own and "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" instead of asking for the help we need. Many women are afraid to ask for help because they don't want to be seen as weak or incapable of performing the job they have been told they are "designed for," i.e. that "biology is destiny."

However, Jewish activists have recognized this deficit and are stepping up to the plate and focusing on helping new parents after the birth of their first babies. Maybe this will begin a process of opening people's eyes across all religions and communities in this country to what I consider to be the "plight" of many first time moms in this country: isolation during a time (especially the first three months) when they need help, information, and guidance the most--after the birth of their first babies.

New Mothers and Sleep Deprivation

One of the most difficult needs for a new mom to get met is sleep. Most babies don't start sleeping through the night until after the first 3 months postpartum (some many months afterwards). During this time, a new mom is up either breastfeeding or bottle feeding her baby usually every 2-3 hours, 24 hours a day. So, what's a new mom to do? The first thing you need to do is set up your support system (that network of friends and family who are generous enough to give you some of their valuable time) so that you can take naps. Also, have your life partner/spouse take over one or more of the overnight feedings a couple of times a week so that you can get more than a couple hours of sleep at a time. Or, you can hire a night nurse or nanny. That would certainly simplify things.

Many new mothers believe that they can function well on just a few hours of sleep a night. According to an informal survey published in Parents.com, many new mothers reported feeling “generally well-rested…[on] less than six hours of sleep a night.” Part of this attitude reflects a feeling of “new-parent joy…[and] adrenaline,” according to Isadora Fox, but part of it also reflects the inability of these women to predict how sleepy they are.

As a first time mother you need your rest so that you can continue to have the energy to respond to your baby. Chronic sleep deprivation leads to lower energy, irritability, anxiety, and depression, as well as memory lapses, a reduced ability to concentrate, a shorter attention span, tiredness, a reduced ability to tolerate stress, and changes in appetite. Even if you do not feel tired, you may notice that you are easily frustrated, or more irritable, sleepy at certain times of the day, or forgetful. Pay attention to signs of sleep deprivation. If you find, for example, that you have just put the milk into the cupboard and the cereal box into the fridge, it is a clear sign that you are not getting enough sleep.

One mother's succinct description for how to know if you're sleep-deprived describes it best...





Original post on New Mom Central.

First-time Mothers and Postpartum Depression Study

If you are currently experiencing postpartum depression, you might be interested in participating in this study. Don't be afraid to seek help if you feel depressed. You are not alone and seeking help is the best thing you can do.

Here's the link to the study:

Postpartum Depression Study

Here's a link to a blog written by a mother who shares her personal story with postpartum depression:

Mom's Personal Story

Are Adoptive Moms' Experiences Similar to Birth Moms'?

I have often wondered if new adoptive moms feel the same emotional ups and downs as new birth moms. Certainly they feel the same shift in their identities. But what about postpartum depression or "baby blues?" There have been some informal surveys showing that new adoptive moms experience postpartum depression, but no clinical studies as yet. Part of the problem with getting a clinical study started (and funded) is the belief that postpartum depression is due to fluctuating hormones. As I have said before (and written), I believe postpartum is the result of many factors, with hormonal fluctuations being just one of those factors.

One new adoptive mother has started a blog to share her experiences. Here is a link to her website:

NewMommy.com

Being a New Mom During the Holidays

If you are a first time mom with a newborn, don't expect to be able to do all of the chores you used to do during the holiday season (even if you used to enjoy them), like buying all the presents for everyone, wrapping, decorating, baking, etc. Just know that things will be a little different for you this year. You may feel conflicting emotions: frustration at not being able to do everything you used to do during the holidays (like going to parties), and gratitude for your blessed bundle of Christmas joy. However, you don't have to sit at home all day every day, either. There is a happy medium, especially if you have help from friends and family.

There is a wonderful article about how to enjoy more of the Christmas spirit with your newborn in tow. Happy Holidays.

Other Mothers Share Their Stories

One mother wrote a blog to let first time mothers know what to expect. As she says, pregnant women get lots of advice on how to prepare for their babies, what to eat while you're pregnant, and unsolicited parenting advice. But they are rarely told about the major life change that will occur once they have their babies, or how it feels to be a mother. Of course, every woman's experience is different, but it's a good thing for mothers to talk about their feelings and experiences so that the "normalcy" of mothering can one day replace the myth and fantasy that is so prevalent in our culture.

Mother Guilt: Don't Get It!

The guilt that just about every mom feels (even new moms) is the result of a fairy tale version of motherhood that our Western society puts forth as if it's real and something to aspire to. Consequently, there is no "real" version of motherhood to be found anywhere, except in a woman's own memory of what her mother was like. And, since the fantasy version of motherhood is all little girls grow up with, we often view our own mothers as failures if they did not live up to this ideal image, i.e. did not bake cookies for us, or sew our clothes when they ripped, or give us lots of hugs. (Of course, there are some really negligent and abusive mothers, as well, and I don't want to discount those experiences.) The reality of motherhood is much more boring, I'm afraid, but much more real, as well.

If you want to get a first-hand account of what some mothers feel as they try, yet fail, to achieve the fantasy (i.e. media) version of the mother ideal, here's a great blog to read:

http://mysterymommy.blogspot.com/2007/12/adequateinadequate.html


Original post on New Mom Central.

Stories from other moms

It's always good to hear from other new moms what their experiences were and are like. First it will show you that you're not alone because undoubtedly you will hear something that matches your own experience and, second, you will learn that every woman is different and every woman has her own experience. There is no one experience for all women.

I will try to post links to personal stories of first-time moms whenever I find them online. Here's one to start:

http://kristinandlogan.blogspot.com/

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding can be a difficult and complicated issue. It can also be very easy and simple. No two women (or two babies) experience the exact same thing when it comes to breastfeeding, which is why it is important to honor your own feelings and experiences. Some moms choose to breastfeed, others don't...some moms really want to but can't for various reasons...there is no ONE WAY when it comes to breastfeeding and it isn't always a given (except in the fairy tale versions of motherhood). Here is a link to a mom's blog that discusses breastfeeding. This blog post is one of a series of posts on breastfeeding this week.

http://svmomblog.typepad.com/dc_metro_moms/2007/12/breastfeeding-i.html

Do New Dads Experience Postpartum Depression?

Although there isn't a lot of research on the subject, there is some research that shows that new fathers can also experience postpartum depression, although the percentage appears to be much lower than for new mothers. According to research published in the Journal of Advanced Nursing (2004), 4% of fathers showed depression 8 weeks after their partners gave birth (since there was not a control group there is uncertainty about whether or not this rate exceeds that of nonfathers).

Research published in Australia (The Lancet - Vol. 366, Issue 9490, 17 September 2005, Page 982) showed depression in fathers in the postnatal period was associated with poorer social, emotional and behavioural outcomes in children at age three, particularly in boys, even when maternal depression was not present. Three hospitals in Sydney, Australia are trying an innovative approach to their antenatal program by including new father support groups. Here's the link:

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/news/national/dads-the-word-baby-blues-strike/2007/12/08/1196813081630.html

Staying Connected with Other Mothers

It is very important to stay connected with others, especially during your first three months postpartum, and especially with other mothers. Other mothers will provide you with the validation you need while you're adjusting to your new role and identity as a mother, as well as provide other viewpoints on problems you may be dealing with and giving you some much-needed social networking. Mom's clubs are excellent forums for this, as well as being connected online through chat rooms and other moms groups. Here are just a couple of links to help you stay connected to the first-time mom community and find information, validation, and support.

http://moms.gather.com/

iVillage http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psftmoms


Original post on New Mom Central.

Let's Not Forget About Dad.....

And, lest we leave out the all-important father (NOT recommended), here is a great website for the father of your gorgeous baby to read and enjoy:

http://daddydaze.net/


The father (or partner) of your baby plays a very important role in your mommy training period, as he (or she) will be your major supporter (well, SHOULD BE, anyway). The more you allow them to care for your (and their) baby, the better it will be for everyone: yourself, your baby, and your baby's dad. A father's role in a baby's life cannot be duplicated by a mother. It is a unique relationship that offers unique developmental opportunities for your baby. Fortunately, many new fathers step up to the plate 100% during this time (and afterwards), and many new mothers are grateful beyond words. So new dads, you go boys!

Baby Blues

Experiencing the "baby blues" is common after giving birth, especially after the first baby. According to the Center for Postpartum Adjustment 50-80% of women experience postpartum baby blues. While the common consensus among health professionals is that the baby blues is caused by hormones, I believe that the major life changes occurring in a woman's life after she gives birth, as well as the changes in her personal life rhythm, venturing into the "unknown" and not fully understanding newborns or how to be a mother, as well as sleep deprivation, a loss of the ability to tend to her own needs, and many other factors, all contribute to the "baby blues." The symptoms of the "baby blues" are very similar to the symptoms of culture shock. When someone travels to a foreign culture and has to interact with people she does not know and suddenly adhere to traditions, life rhythms, and a foreign language that are new to her, she experiences culture shock. When a woman delivers her first baby and makes her first foray into motherhood, she is dealing with many of the same issues (unless she has been a nanny or has experience dealing with a newborn).

If you are experiencing sadness, irritability, confusion, etc. here is a link to a website about the baby blues that may be helpful:

http://www.babybluesconnection.org/


Original post on New Mom Central.

Becoming a new mother

The first three months after the birth of a woman’s first child is one of the least understood aspects of motherhood, yet it is also one of the most important times during the transition to motherhood. Rarely is the woman who does not remember her first three months postpartum after the birth of her first child. Why is the first three months so significant in the transition to motherhood?

The first three months postpartum is a time when mother and baby are getting to know each other and adjusting to the major life change that has brought them together. For the new mother it is a time for getting her bearings on her new life role and developing her maternal skills by learning how to take care of her newborn. For the newborn, it is a time for adjusting to life outside the womb with a body that is not quite fully mature yet and can sometimes cause him discomfort or pain. This is also the time during which colic develops, a painful experience for the newborn that gets it.
In addition to adjusting to the idea of being a mother and getting to know her new baby, there are a variety of issues that can affect a woman after she gives birth—especially if she is a first-time mother. Her emotional and mental state will affect her mood and her initial experience of being a mother, which in turn can affect her confidence in herself as a mother. The types of issues that can occur vary, e.g. mental health problems, physical and hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, difficult personal situations, the absence of an adequate support system, the physical strain of labor or C-section delivery, fear of pre-term delivery, the break-up of a primary relationship or another major loss, a history of depression or other mental illness, etc.

It is important for women to understand that there are many factors that affect their experience as first-time mothers. It isn't always joy and bliss, and it isn't always anxiety and exhaustion. It just depends on your situation. However, for far too many mothers in the U.S. (and other Western cultures) there is little help or guidance on doing one of the most important tasks for our species: taking care of its young. So, as a result, many women do not know what they are doing and feel very overwhelmed and nervous when they have their first baby. Even a woman's mother is often unable or reluctant to assist her in developing her maternal skills. Becoming a mother is one of the most life-changing events that will ever happen to a woman and she needs some guidance and help if she is to get through it with the joy and bliss that she expects. So, try to make sure that you get help if you are going to have a baby. And, don't wait for others to offer help, ASK FOR IT! Never be afraid to ask for what you need. Everyone needs help sometimes, and new mothers need lots of it. That being said, I am aware that there are women who feel they need no help and that is fine. Maybe they have experience, maybe they have a natural inclination, maybe they have a nanny or regular daily help from their mothers. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter. Every woman's experience is different and every woman needs different things to get her through one of the most difficult periods of motherhood--the first three months postpartum after the first baby.


Original post on New Mom Central.

[expectant mom]
[mother]
[new mom]
[postpartum]
[women]
[newborn]